My dearest darling sweet P,
WHERE ARE YOU?!
I regret to say that Albert went out to the local pub last night to get cigarettes, and he hasn't come back! Where have we heard THAT story before, Angelkins? I believe that he has gone off with some pubby chippy, and that he is steadily chipping away, even as I write. Oh woe is your devoted OmniPotentata! Gnashing her perfect teeth and tearing, as always, the t-shirt that you've bestowed upon her via that rotten crummy lousy stinking cat Vileboris (and I hope he reads this, too!).
Please help me, SO Well Put-Together P, bcuz I cannot imagine why or how ANY human male person would not want to be with me every moment of the day and especially the nite! Can YOU understand it, Mouldy P?! I thought not.
But . . . wait a minute. . . you in triumphant mode told me that you and Albert are one. Now I am forced, given that weird logic, to face the fact that you, too, have abandoned me. More gnashing and t-shirt tearing!! Ooops, this particular t-shirt had a "VILEBORIS LOVES OMNIPOTENTATA" printed across my (censored bleep bleep censored). And I've rended (commonly spelt "rent") it all to ribbony pieces. It now reads: "VILEBORIS POTENT," which may well be true, hoo nose?
Back to my horrid conflict and frustratifications. How O how can I reason this out, Your Grand P-ness?!
After all, having been invited onto this petc list by Robbie Rob Hamilton whom I've never met, and encouraged by Androo whom I've never met, and that wonderful woman Joanna, whom I've never met . . . you see?
My desire to have dearest Albert/you back may be thwarted by the realization that I may never have had you at all bcuz you do not exist, except in the small and entire world of email. The Goddess of Email may be messing with me.
If that is the case, O Awesomely Bountiful One, then today the Goddess of Email has met her match. Nay, I assert with all overblown obnoxiety that I am Well Beyond Her Match!!!
I will prove that not only does Albert exist, but you and Robbie R and Androo and Joanna exist as well!
(Just give me some private moments, please, to figure out how that can be proven by me.)
I'll get back to you, Sweet Perfecto, do not fear---do not lose hope in OmniPotentata's OmniPotentatism!!!!
Devouring your (censored) with my (bleep),
Your Wondrous Potentata
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