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Annie
are not real things, but merely human
is metrically sound
My advice to the poet is to leave her poem as it is
- the proposed changes not only add an unneeded syllable but change the meaning for the worse
>emphasis as long as you have made the line before it quite regular
(generally, two or more very
metrically erratic lines in a row will break the rhythmical pact you
have been establishing with the
reader)
is.... well i dont want to upset anyone here - i dont think it's necessarily true
& I dont think we should judge a poem by reference to the author not being dylan thomas
*trust your ear
when you trust your ear, having found it trustworthy (!) look at the mechanics
Line 9 is fine
it doesnt need fixing
& I am going to stop there because I am getting cross
lines 10 and 11 might stand a look in terms of unintentional double entendre
but that's all
I'm off to bed now, though I might split an infinitive on the way
L
-----Original Message-----
From: Alison Croggon <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Monday, August 01, 2005 11:25 PM
Subject: FW: any formalists in the crowd?
are not real things, but merely human
impositions on the sun, the moon,
the stars, which all will follow their own paths
whether we name them or not. These weeks past
our blue earth's path is changed by its own
deep spasm. We walk along its surface
pretending not to notice it can toss
us off at a whim. It reclaims us
millimeter by millimeter, loose
flesh and slow bones, smoky dusks and brilliant
noons -- all sacrificial celebrants.
--
line 7 is metrically quite varied: trochee, iamb, anapest, iamb, and a
final foot which consists of
only one stress. These one-stress feet are risky--sometimes they can
work, and some poets can
get away with them (Dylan Thomas, for example) and keep the rhythm
going, but you probably
should wait until you are more experienced at meter. I would suggest
adding one unstressed
syllable before "past"--maybe "these weeks just past." Your other
variations in this line (initial
trochee, anapest) are a nice way to vary the rhythm without breaking
it, and are not a problem
metrically.
line 8 is not iambic pentameter. It needs to be fixed. It goes iamb,
spondee, iamb, anapest--only
4 feet. It needs one more foot. The simplest way is to add a very
light syllable between "changed"
and "by," turning your anapest into an iamb--you could also add a
2-syllable word earlier (such as
"our blue earth's cyclic path") but that would make the line feel
pretty weak at the end with that
long slow anapest.
line 9 also needs to be fixed. deep SPAS m WE walk a LONG its SUR
face: you have iamb, iamb,
anapest, iamb, extra-syllable ending--again, it's only a 4-foot line.
One more stressed syllable at
the end of the line would do it, turning your extra-syllable line into
an iamb. Or, you could just
add one syllable in the middle of the line, giving up your anapest and
keeping the extra-syllable
ending: deep SPAS m WE have WALKED aLONG its SUR (face).
line 10 is a very nice iambic pentameter
line 11 is another short line, only 4 feet. You can fix it by adding 3
syllables at the end,
unstressed-stressed-unstressed. Then you would have iamb, anapest,
anapest, iamb, iamb: us
OFF at a WHIM it reCLAIMS us DUM da DUM. (this is one simple way to fix
all your meter, btw: just
read the poem aloud, exaggerating the words to fit the iambic pattern
and you may find that you
easily hear what's missing. Reading aloud is key).
line 12 is a very interesting nice, fluid iambic pentameter. I love how
the comma breaks up the
final foot, and how the "L's play with each other. It is headless, so
you mark the missing syllable
in parentheses:
(da)MIL liME terbyMIL liME terLOOSE. You see it is one headless
iamb, one regular iamb, anapest,
two more regular iambs.
line 13, another lovely line. This one starts with a trochee--again, a
very common way to begin an
iambic line, and then a very nice spondee:
FLESHand SLOWBONES, SMOky DUSKSand BRILLIANT
This line flirts with nonmetricality quite intensely because it ends
in 3 trochees in a row. Some
real purists would say this is too much--technically trochees only
sound right when they are at the
beginning of a line or after a caesura (such as SMOky, coming right
after a comma). And you
could make the line sound a lot more reassuringly iambic by changing it
to "Flesh and slow bones,
smoky as dusk and brilliant." I think maybe you could get away with 3
trochees without losing
your reader's rhythmic ear, if you made the rest of the poem quite
regular, but it might be easier
simply to add a light syllable before dusk, making the line a beautiful
line with several interesting
variations including an extra-syllable ending
Your last line is a fine headless iambic pentameter (the initial
missing unstressed syllable its only
variation), quite Stevensesque in rhythm as well as every other way.
I hope this has been understandable--I'm actually leaving for a month
writing retreat tomorrow but will respond when I get back
if you have questions. I'd recommend Paul Fussell's wonderful POETIC
METER AND POETIC FORM if you want a good introduction to how this all
works. And if you want to continue writing in meter, there are online
metrical-writing forums you can join at www.ablemuse.com.
all best,
Annie
Annie Finch
http://www.anniefinch.com
___________________________________
Annie Finch, Director
Stonecoast Brief-Residency MFA in Creative Writing
University of Southern Maine
222 Deering St.
Portland, Maine 04104
Phone: 207-780-5973
Email: [log in to unmask]
Web: http://www.anniefinch.com
http://www.usm.maine.edu/stonecoastmfa/
‹THE BODY OF POETRY: ESSAYS ON WOMEN, FORM, AND THE POETIC SELF ‹just
out in the Poets on Poetry series from University of Michigan Press‹
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