for me, "moved with your music" just isn't to the standard of the rest
if it were my poem, i would leave it off, and might play a bit with
"filled your body with my breathing"
but it's not my poem, it's yours -- and so it must fill up with you
On 6/29/05, judy prince <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> SB, thanks for newly returning me to the truncated version of "Bamboo" that Joanna Boulter had suggested.
>
> Again, I've a question for you and any others who'd wanna jump into the game: Is there more power in less "backstory" (i.e., the first few stanzas I chopped off)?
>
> And I can see, SB, that killing the pome's last line MIGHT strengthen the context, hence the entire pome. My striving's toward the sensual/spiritual, so it wouldn't have occurred to me to drop that image. And I'm weighing whether more power's in dropping the last line . . . .
>
> Judy
> ----Original Message -----
> From: "SB" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, June 29, 2005 1:40 PM
> Subject: Re: the new Bamboo
>
>
> i think it is a great improvement, and would suggest one more
> brutality: drop the last line.
>
> On 6/25/05, judy prince <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > bamboo flute
> > the muse
> >
> >
> > my mouth was all wrong
> > fingers short of the holes
> >
> > winter debated spring this year
> > spring the louder surprise
> > and I thought of the bamboo flute
> > I thought of you patient you
> >
> > I fit my fingers
> > round your clear core
> > filled your body with my breathing
> > and moved with your Music
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Judy Prince
> > second foul paper
> > 6.25.05
> >
> > NOTE TO JOANNA: I've purposely chosen not to "think" about what I just did. Anybody out there in petc-land wanna tender an opinion about the new "Bamboo"? Is it better than the first? Can it be improved? How?
> >
> > Thanks,
> >
> > Judy
> >
>
>
> --
> ~ SB =^..^=
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
> http://sb.chatango.com/
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/sbmontana/
>
--
~ SB =^..^=
http://www.sbpoet.com
http://sb.chatango.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sbmontana/
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