Judy, I'm going to chip in here, if I may?
I do think it's not on the whole a very good idea to invert subject and
verb, as you've done here in your line 'so hollow we'. Yes, 'trad'-type
poets did it, but you're mostly successfully NOT writing trad-style. If the
line's meant to mean 'we are so hollow', then why not say so? Are you
perhaps not wanting to break that regular rhymed couplet? And yet, if you
did, it might be so much to the benefit of the poem, because that's the one
place in the whole thing where you've -- er, wrung its neck to make it fit a
shape, so to speak. This comes as a bit of a ker-plunking shock after the
subtler rhythms of
my mouth was all wrong
fingers short of the holes
If you were to omit one or both of the two following lines you would have a
better progression I think into the 'winter debated spring' verse, which I
personally think is good, particularly since it underlines your more or less
(sub)-conscious battle to align yourself with the flute and whatever it
takes to make that music. I also really like 'your clear core', which works
whether the 'you' addressed is the flute or the Muse.
Actually, if you were feeling terribly brave and didn't think this was too
brutal, you might even try taking off the first 3 verses and starting
straight in with 'my mouth was all wrong'. That's one of the marvellous
things about writing -- we can try something and if it doesn't work it's
easy to restore the earlier version!
best joanna
----- Original Message -----
From: "judy prince" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 10:06 PM
Subject: Re: bamboo flute, the muse
> THANKS FOR YOUR VERY NECESSARY SPECIFIC EXPLANATION, FRANK. SEE MY
> INSERTED CAPS BELOW:
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Frank Parker" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 12:44 PM
> Subject: Re: bamboo flute, the muse
>
>
>>> my mouth was all wrong
>>> fingers short of the holes
>>> too much for me
>>> so hollow we
>
> ~~~~FRANK, THE PRECEDING LINE IS INTENDED TO MEAN: "WE ARE SO
> HOLLOW."~~~~~~~~
>>
>>> Frank, do you mean kill the following sentence and/or the following
>> stanza?
>>
>>> winter debated spring this year
>
> ~~~~AND THE PRECEDING LINE IS INTENDED TO MEAN EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS:
> "WINTER DEBATED SPRING THIS YEAR."~~~~ NOW JUMP DOWN TO NEARLY THE BOTTOM
> OF YOUR MESSAGE.
>
>>> spring the louder surprise
>>> and I thought of the bamboo flute
>>> I thought of you patient you
>>
>> Very simple, look at the syntax, if you wrote the last line of stanza 4
>> and
>> the first line of stanza 5 as a sentence it is very awkward:
>> "so hollow we winter debated spring this year". I mean, what is that? I
>> doubt you speak this way. The rest of the poem is in an everyday
>> vernacular
>> then suddenly there's that shift between 4 and 5. It's up to you just
>> what
>> to do. The solution might be as simple as dropping the last line of
>> stanza 4
>> and the first line of stanza 5.
>>
>> As for the title, drop "the muse".
>
> ~~~~CAN'T DROP "THE MUSE"---AND THAT'S FOR AN ENTIRELY NON-POETICS
> REASON.~~~~
>
> HOPE YOUR FLUTE-FLIGHTS ARE AS RICH AND REWARDING AS MY PIANO-PLAYINGS,
> FRANK!
>
> BEST TO YOU,
>
> JUDY
>>
>> ***************************
>> Frank Parker
>> [log in to unmask]
>> http://frankshome.org
>>
>
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