An education...

Douglas Clark, Bath, Somerset, England ....
 http://www.dgdclynx.plus.com
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Muttley" <[log in to unmask]>
Newsgroups: free.uk.pets.cats,rec.pets.cats.misc
Sent: Sunday, December 11, 2005 10:40 AM
Subject: Little Known English Cat Breeds


> LITTLE KNOWN CAT BREEDS #1: INDIGENOUS CATS OF THE BRITISH ISLES
> By SMIFFY
>
> Just as the Isle of Man has the Manx and Scotland has the Scottish Fold
> (most of whom live in exile due to the vagaries of the British Cat
> Fancy), so too do other areas of the British Isles have their indigenous
> felines, as peculiar to their area as National Costume.
>
> THE IRISH BOG CAT
>
> Many years ago in the lush green fields of Ireland were beautiful felines
> who were under the protection of St Brendan. These cats, it is said,
> arrived on the Emerald Isle with the sidhe, which is why their
> descendants can see the little people. Their lush coats, magnificent size
> and extraordinary good health placed them in great demand throughout the
> world. St Brendan took the finest of these cats on his voyages to present
> as gifts to the Lords of the lands he visited. The praises of these
> handsome cats were related far and wide by bards.
>
> Then the "bad times" arrived and foreigners arrived, destroying
> everything in their path. Because of their size the Irish Bog Cats were
> valued for their fur and tender meat. Driven to the verge of extinction,
> these beautiful native cats retreated into the Bogs. There they remained
> until their rediscovery in recent years when kind-hearted and serious
> breeders undertook the task of breeding these once honoured and lovely
> animals. Their popularity as friendly intelligent felines has again
> spread throughout their native land, but it must be remembered that
> beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that what St Brendan considered
> beautiful, might today be considered coarse and lumpish (centuries of
> inbreeding has also had a somewhat detrimental effect).
>
> Unlike many traditional breeds where the modern show cat barely resembles
> its working class ancestors, the Irish Bog Cat is a sturdy, working class
> of cat found in almost every Irish household. All are pot-bellied from
> their diet of corned beef, boiled cabbage and "champ" (a traditional dish
> of potatoes and onions which accounts for their astonishing turn of speed
> due to a unique form of jet propulsion). Besides the boiled dinners, they
> also enjoy a bowl of Guinness Stout, Murphy's or uisge beatha (Whiskey)
> daily and soda bread.
>
> The show-quality Irish Bog Cat has a round thick head with cauliflower
> ears. One ear is folded and the other curled. Chin is very weak, no chin
> is preferred. Nose is a Tip O'Neil with a definite break, several breaks
> are preferred, it is black, turning red after a few Jamiesons. Eyes are
> green, bloodshot and swollen in proportion with the nose. Muzzle is
> somewhat long in proportion to breadth, with freckles on the whisker
> pads. (The long muzzle is necessary for sticking noses in Irish coffee
> glasses.)
>
> The legs are longer in front than in back for climbing out of the peat
> bogs. There is no tufting on their paws but claws are strong and curved
> for digging potatoes. All tails are kinked and two kinks are desirable
> but not required. The kink is necessary for pulling out peat from the
> bogs. The cat has a very thin main coat with a thick woolly, waterproof
> undercoat. Hair grows from back to front and the only acceptable colour
> is red tabby with markings shaped like shamrocks. This coat turns white
> with age.
>
> All Irish Bog Cats are born on St. Patrick's Day; those that are born on
> other days are considered "variants" and may not be bred. A note from St
> Brendan is necessary for authenticity of pedigree. A tonsure is also
> required and they all have great step-dancing ability (best known Irish
> Bog Cat step-dancer being Michael Catley whose "Ridfurdance" performed to
> great acclaim at the Purrovision Song Contest - he has since gone on to
> have his own show named "Clawed of the Dance"). Bog Cats born in odd
> years have names starting with an "O", those born in even years start
> with "Mac".
>
> THE SCOTTISH MCCAT
>
> These unique felines have existed in Scotland since the time of myth. So
> fearsome are they in battle that Hadrian's Wall was, in fact, built to
> keep out not the barbarous Scots, but the fiercely territorial McCats who
> fought in battle alongside their clans. The bagpipe is believed to have
> been based upon the skirling war cried of McCats. They have a complex
> history, being derived from centuries of hybridization between the ginger
> cats of the Viking settlers, the now extinct Woad Blue Cats of ancient
> tribes and the Scottish Wild Cat (although some authorities claim that
> the Scottish Wild Cat is a partially domesticated form of the Scottish
> McCat and this is borne out to some extent by a comparison of their
> temperaments).
>
> These cats have split into a number of sub-breeds to suit local
> conditions although all have the distinctive "och-aye the noo" call.
> Highland McCats have longer, woollier fur and have evolved to hunt in
> highly efficient packs capable of bringing down a Highland Cow. They have
> harsh voices and impenetrable accents. Lowland McCats can be
> differentiated by their gentler lilting accents. Shetland cats are small,
> due to the harsh living condition, but powerful and a pack of Shetland
> McCats can easily bring down a Shetland pony. Orkney McCats are rugged
> with gale-proof fur.
>
> All McCats have long hair, and frequently beards and sideburns as well.
> Facial hair is bright ginger in the Celtic and Viking sub-breeds, black
> in the Gaelic varieties. The rest of the coat is any of a variety of
> hunting tartans depending on clan allegiance. Those cats born outside of
> clan lines are usually Black Watch. The breeding of designer-tartan cats
> to suit overseas buyers is frowned upon.
>
> Eyes are watery blue, bloodshot, bulbous and usually point in different
> directions, while ears exhibit uniform thickening and extreme hairiness.
> The muzzle is short and broad with a fine set of ginger whiskers either
> side of a squashed and flattened nose which is mauve-red in colour. Many
> McCats have particularly long canines, which enable them to tackle larger
> prey and which, according to myth, are inherited from the ancient sabre-
> tooth cats which once roamed the area.
>
> The legs of Highland McCats are longer on one side than on the other to
> enable them to chase their prey along hillsides. Some authorities claim
> that the reason Highland McCats have legs of different lengths is for
> hunting wild Haggis (most modern Haggis are intensively farmed). Like
> Haggis, McCats come in right handed and left handed varieties and amorous
> mismatched pairs, as with Haggis, have problems. Hunting their favourite
> prey is simpler though as, if they miss the Haggis the first time around,
> they can have another go on the other side of the hill. In all varieties,
> the tail is bushy and the same colour as the facial hair and there is a
> pronounced sporran, especially in male McCats. Although they have long,
> scythe-like claws for bringing down unwary Sassenachs, many McCats also
> have a skein dhu or traditional small dirk strapped to one leg, those
> lacking a dirk are pretty handy with broken McEwans lager bottles.
>
> The staple diet of these cats is Highland beef, Salmon (generally
> poached), grouse, bashed neeps and boiled thistle-tips. Sightings of
> Nessie are generally put down to sightings of particularly large McCats
> swimming after salmon in Loch Ness.
>
> Though born at any time of year, McCats born after a Scotland victory
> over England in a Rugby or Soccer final are most highly regarded. All
> McCat names are prefixed by Mc.
>
> THE IECHYD-DA CAT
>
> Indigenous to Wales, the Iechyd-da is best known for its fine singing
> voice. Male Iechyd-das often form choirs and compared to the caterwauling
> of their feline brethren worldwide, the sound of Iechyd-das competing for
> the attentions of a female is deeply moving. Careful selective breeding
> has fixed this trait into modern Iechyd-das. Each year these cats compete
> at a three day festival to find the best singer and this cat is highly
> sought after for stud services (which is why the contest is held annually
> since most winning cats drop through exhaustion after eight months of
> intensive breeding).
>
> In appearance, the Iechyd-da is unremarkable. Males tend to be especially
> well-built and athletic, perhaps due to having to sing while in full
> flight from a thrown rugby boot in days gone by. Black and white is the
> preferred colour and the sight of a show hall full of identical black-
> and-white Iechyd-das in full song has moved many a judge to tears. Those
> that aren't black and white are generally a sooty, grey colour due to
> natural selection favouring those cats which blended in with coal mines
> and slag heaps. All have exceptional sight and a remarkable sense of
> navigation underground. Songs are still sung to the honour of Black Aled,
> the cat who led a hundred and thirty trapped miners to safety after a
> cave-in. For three days the miners followed this cat's singing until they
> finally reached daylight. Admittedly Black Aled went the roundabout route
> out of sheer curiosity, but he did lead the miners to safety nonetheless.
> Black Aled never sang another note from that day till the day he died.
>
> The preferred diet of the Iechyd-da is Welsh Rarebit and leek-and-mutton
> broth. Their long association with mines has led many to develop a
> strange habit known as coal-eating which is a form of pica found only in
> the Iechyd-da breed. This could also account for the tendency of many
> cats to develop a peculiar cough which sounds like the Welsh "ll" (as in
> Llanelli) or "ch" (as in bach).
>
> Traditional names for these cats include Dai, Dafydd and Jones although
> more ambitious cats go by the name of Llanfairpwll...gogogoch
>
> THE ENGLISH IMPERIAL CAT
>
> Despite European efforts to standardise English felines into a single
> homogeneous Euro-compliant cat, these cats (which have accompanied
> explorers to all corners of the world where they rapidly subdued native
> cat breeds and enforced Imperial manners upon them) remain stubbornly
> split into a host of local variants. Occasional, woad-colored cats appear
> in these local variants, this is due to recombination of genes inherited
> from the ancestral English feline.
>
> Perhaps the best known are the Manx, Cornish Rex and Devon Rex, although
> there are lesser known variants. The "Cockney" is noted for its black
> coat and contrasting white pearl-effect speckles and a preference for
> cock linnet and jellied eels. The "Geordie" has a peculiar dialect
> understood only by other Geordie cats; they tend to be tough with a high
> degree of differentiation between the genders - males are rough, ready,
> rampant and lack finesse while females are perpetually on call - and a
> staple diet of mushy peas and Newcastle Brown Ale. The "Lancashire" has
> an outgrowth on its head which resembles a flat cap; it is excessively
> fond of pigeon, black pudding and a pint of Mild. The "Glassy-Eyed
> Suburban Commuter Cat" is a highly evolved local subspecies which occurs
> only in black-pinstripe-and-white and is highly adept at crowding large
> numbers of cats into small spaces during its two main activity periods
> (morning and afternoon "rush" hours) although it spends much of the
> intervening time slumbering over a newspaper.
>
> The heyday of the English Imperial Cat was between the Elizabethan and
> Victorian eras, after that it was all downhill as the cats were repelled
> from their annexed territories by native felines battling for
> independence. Sadly little effort has gone into the Imperial Cat during
> the twentieth century and breeders tend to reminisce about past glories
> rather than actually trying to reclaim any of that glory. Even in
> International competition these cats, which once dominated the show
> benches of the world, are sinking further towards obscurity. English
> Imperial Cats enjoyed a brief revival during the two World Wars, though
> for very much the wrong reasons. Being one of the few creatures that
> could thrive in bombed out areas by subsisting on rats and mice, they
> were frequently "befriended" by butchers and found themselves being sold
> to unsuspecting buyers as "roof rabbit" and "genuine 100% coney".
>
> Nowadays, the diet of the English Imperial Cat is far more diverse. From
> a traditional diet of fish and chips (which is why the best specimens can
> still be found close to Harry Ramsden's) or chip-butties it has moved on
> to curry and chips, fried rice, pizza, burgers and in fact anything
> served in a foil or styrofoam takeaway carton requiring the bare minimum
> of preparation.
>
> A cautionary note about the much-maligned "Essex" variety - due to their
> indiscriminate breeding habits, it is almost impossible to trace the
> pedigree of an Essex cat with any degree of accuracy or certainty. Essex
> cats will mate with anything - other Essex cats, pet rabbits or small
> dogs - much to the despair of the hard-working breeder who has carefully
> matched up two Essex cats only to find her prize stud bonking next-door's
> Dobermann with fatal results. Essex cats rarely mate with other variants
> of the English Imperial (to be truthful, no other cat would ever consider
> mating with an Essex cat) and are therefore dangerously inbred leading to
> a high concentration of "Sharons", "Traceys" and "Waynes". Most Essex
> cats are deaf and have poor colour vision due to their tendency to hang
> around noisy nightclubs with high intensity light shows.
>
> THE ENGLISH CHAV CAT
>
> Found only in Burberry pattern with optional gold necklaces and
> bracelets, the English Chav cat emerged relatively recently in the
> Chatham area of Kent and has spread to all areas of the country. Males
> have short, spiky fur on the head and back while females sport scraped-
> back fur. They can subsist entirely on junk food and alcohol. Both sexes
> are notoriously aggressive and have a reputation for promiscuity and
> kleptomania. They are very vocal and constantly spit, swear and curse.
>
>
>