> Hello Sirrus,
I found this a very interesting poem. I´d like to offer some comments, with the usual proviso that these are just my opinion and I could well be quite wrong. First, I wonder a little about the line `A contrast of living´. Would it be clearer to express this as `in contrast with the living`, if that is what you meant? Also, `lips that shared / a world no longer taling / breath´ can sound as if it is the world that doesn´t take breath, rather than the lips. I was interested by your phrase ´the whiteness of pearls´ to describe the hair, rather than the more expected `hair white as pearls´. There´s both a risk and potential gain in disrupting usual usage, I think, and I´m not sure myself which I´d choose here, if this was mine.
I hope these few observations are useful.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Sirrus Poe <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/03/07 su AM 07:33:13 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New Sub: Memories of Life When Life was Alive
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