I agree that this is a wonderful period piece.:) An era of youth.
I also think you should drop the last question, however I would add depth to
the "Who needs geometry anyway," ie. "it's...can't measure ...." This is
rough, I just wanted to give you an idea about what I mean when I say depth.
Otherwise it seems an obvious sentiment of youth, but you're looking back
and the older wiser narrator looking back has seen something..."tell us what
you have seen".
- Annabelle
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of Bob Cooper
Sent: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 1:48 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Sub: Low School
Hi Russ,
I like this a lot! I get the feel for the narrator's attitude to things -
but I sometimes feel I'd like a few extra small words to make the monologue
flow... (Keep to the voice that fits the age of the character). Use the
narrator's words all the way through.
Maybe:
"I was" an uncut diamond... etc.
"I'd" bruises for etc.
I also don't think the last line's needed!
The question, "who needs geometry anyway?" is a powerful ending!
Bob
>From: The Walkers <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Sub: Low School
>Date: Tue, 6 Jan 2004 02:45:48 -0000
>
>Hi all,
>This poem pretty much sums up my recollection of school blues.
>
>Regards,
>Russ
>
>
>At school, uncut diamond in a coal mine,
>with Milkybar kid haircut and gangly limbs,
>I scrutinised everything through the bottoms
>of NHS coffee jars.
>
>Newsreader grammar,
>habitual homework bore,
>shy as an owl,
>or the way mum would dress me
>in sandals and shorts,
>an old V neck sweater for sports?
>
>I don't know - but survival became natural.
>Girls curiosity if I belonged in Big School.
>How to keep prying hands
>from block and tackle?
>Secret fantasies locked in
>the storeroom with Miss,
>testified by the damp mattress.
>
>Bruises for souvenirs,
>concerned parental advice,
>"Hit the bully boys back, son,
>or they'll never leave you alone."
>Lads like me didn't do that.
>Intellect was a greater weapon -
>diplomacy and playground pacification.
>
>Forgotten homework for the 'fit in' club.
>Ignore the lessons,
>who needs geometry anyway?
>
>And where am I now?
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