Hi Bob
This is great. Quiet and effective. Full of sadness and latent aggression.
I'm just not sure about that long first sentence and all those commas - some
working to stack up clauses and some parenthesising them. Particularly they
bother me when I'm waiting for the second comma to enclose the bit after
'Dave'. The one after 'age' is OK because you have the 'but'. I'm not so
sure about the one between 'shirt' and 'neatly'. Which is a very convoluted
way of saying I'd rather have an 'and'!
There's four blokes in this poem, but only three in the final scene. Why?
Maybe Dave's too busy with his biscuits.
H

----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, March 05, 2004 6:36 PM
Subject: When We're For Coffee


Here's one for some C & C:

When We're For Coffee

Middle-aged-Dave, who's my age, but the only one here
in white shirt, neatly knotted dark tie, has already told us
all he thinks about Grin & Blur It, as he calls the PM,
education, then tax, but he isn't offering his biscuits,
and I'm looking out the window where, like yesterday,
I hope to see swans. I've heard they're vicious,
they rush, they hiss, their long wings can break an arm.
I ought to take time to watch them more closely. Now
Ted's telling Mandy and Susie from the top floor how FCUK
is too crude a name for expensive T-Shirts and jeans,
that beautiful things should be discreet, and the cost
of heating the office is so much more than a jacket
and a sweater with the firm's logo, and how the customer pays.
They smile to each other but not at us then glide off like swans
while he turns to John, to me, and as we watch them
climb the stairs I'm grateful we can't see their eyes.

Bob

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