Hi Mike,
Thanks for the kind comments. I agree with what you say - I've followed the
advice of Christina, I think it was, and ended the first stanza at "shroud",
and now I'm doing a bit of re-jigging on the second stanza.
Thanks again,
Matt

-----Original Message-----
From: Mike Horwood [mailto:[log in to unmask]] 
Sent: 01 March 2004 11:59
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub- Matt


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> Hello Matt,
             As you indicate, personal grief is always a difficult subject
for public poetry but I think you handle it rather well here. The parallel
you establish between the snowfall and the death is effective IMHO. I found
myself getting a bit tied up with all sounds being `stilled and spent´, then
the father crying and then the word `loud´. Maybe it would be worth looking
again at that part.



Best wishes,   Mike


> Lähettäjä: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
<[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/02/27 pe PM 04:20:28 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New sub
> 
> I know the world's full of poems about family bereavements, but I 
> thought I'd risk another. Any suggestions for a title gratefully 
> accepted.
> 
> 
> 
> Snow fell in the night, as they warned it might,
> and we wake to it white over. Since one
> she has clung on to every breath, and slowly
> this green world slips beneath its shroud.
> The traffic, the town, the sounds of this life
> stilled and spent. My father's crying, baffled,
> from the garden below the half-open window.
> Only her pain, and our terror, loud.
> 
> Later, the headline in the evening paper:
> It's January, it's cold and it's snowing,
> so what's all the fuss?
> But still it surprises us.
> 
> 
>