Should that be 'dishonour You', John?
Isn't a single deity usually capitalised?
Otherwise I think the reader will take it to refer to the deceased.
Kind regards,
  grasshopper

----- Original Message -----
From: "Carley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, February 29, 2004 4:19 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] everywhere I turn


> Thanks to everyone for the comments. The imagery of the poem is taken
> from the work of a friend who died suddenly last week as is the
> overall tone and the pacing/cadences.
>
> Ala Miah was a devout Muslim - much of his poetry dealt with the
> divine presence hence the line: 'I shouldn't feel alone, it's true...
> to do so might dishonour you'.
>
> I wrote the piece to give to the family at the ceremony (can't
> remember the name) when the body is on public view and individuals
> have the opportunity to formally forgive the departed for any slights
> or injuries etc. It therefore need to be intelligible to people for
> whom English is a second language.
>
> Poetry is held in extremely high regard in Bengali culture.
>
> Best wishes, john e c
>
>
>       http://www.simplyhaiku.com
>          for all your renku needs
>       http://www.simplyhaiku.com
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, February 28, 2004 5:27 PM
> Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] everywhere I turn
>
>
> Dear John,
>      Do you think it might work if you left out all references to
> feeling
> alone until the very last line? -that's if you're not writing to some
> poetic
> form that requires repetends, of course.
> I'm not sure about:
> 'to do so might dishonour you'
> Sounds a little stilted, and I'm not sure how feeling alone could
> 'dishonour' anyone.
> Kind regards,
>      grasshopper
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Carley" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, February 28, 2004 12:34 PM
> Subject: [THE-WORKS] everywhere I turn
>
>
> > everywhere I turn
> > ------------------
> >
> > I shouldn't feel alone
> >            here on the beach we know so well
> >
> > the beach we have always shared
> >
> >               the sand still makes the mountain
> >              and the mountain makes the sand
> >
> > wave after wave
> >
> >                      a sound to soothe the mind
> >
> > I shouldn't feel alone    I know
> >              for still the roses grow in clusters
> >
> > grandest parks and wildest places
> >
> > always there is scent and colour
> >                                    everywhere I turn
> >
> > I shouldn't feel alone    it's true
> >                   to do so might dishonour you
> >
> > but brother
> >                    though the moon is in the sky
> >                and though the stars are shining
> >
> >                 though the dawn is soft as love
> >                and though the birds are singing
> >
> > may God forgive my weakness
> >                                     for just now
> >                                             I feel alone