Thanks to everyone for the comments. The imagery of the poem is taken
from the work of a friend who died suddenly last week as is the
overall tone and the pacing/cadences.
Ala Miah was a devout Muslim - much of his poetry dealt with the
divine presence hence the line: 'I shouldn't feel alone, it's true...
to do so might dishonour you'.
I wrote the piece to give to the family at the ceremony (can't
remember the name) when the body is on public view and individuals
have the opportunity to formally forgive the departed for any slights
or injuries etc. It therefore need to be intelligible to people for
whom English is a second language.
Poetry is held in extremely high regard in Bengali culture.
Best wishes, john e c
http://www.simplyhaiku.com
for all your renku needs
http://www.simplyhaiku.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, February 28, 2004 5:27 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] everywhere I turn
Dear John,
Do you think it might work if you left out all references to
feeling
alone until the very last line? -that's if you're not writing to some
poetic
form that requires repetends, of course.
I'm not sure about:
'to do so might dishonour you'
Sounds a little stilted, and I'm not sure how feeling alone could
'dishonour' anyone.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Carley" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, February 28, 2004 12:34 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] everywhere I turn
> everywhere I turn
> ------------------
>
> I shouldn't feel alone
> here on the beach we know so well
>
> the beach we have always shared
>
> the sand still makes the mountain
> and the mountain makes the sand
>
> wave after wave
>
> a sound to soothe the mind
>
> I shouldn't feel alone I know
> for still the roses grow in clusters
>
> grandest parks and wildest places
>
> always there is scent and colour
> everywhere I turn
>
> I shouldn't feel alone it's true
> to do so might dishonour you
>
> but brother
> though the moon is in the sky
> and though the stars are shining
>
> though the dawn is soft as love
> and though the birds are singing
>
> may God forgive my weakness
> for just now
> I feel alone
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