Hi Matt,
You say it's still pretty raw... not so sure it's all that raw myself!
I like the tone you set with the first line - it's a good way to start a
reflective poem! And then the slightly ironic tone surfaces again and
again... "if we were poets..." (!) really makes me smile!
it's a poem that does it's job well, IMHO, except for the two words "and
then" stanza 3. Don't know why the words feel awkward, ungainly, to me -
they just seem too noticable in how I read it. Might be just one word could
work more smoothly to move the reader on.
Unlike Arthur I think the quatrain shape, with the play you have with lines,
is OK for this poem. None of the breaks feel awkward, some feel witty (e.g.
sounds like//seep). But ending 3 lines with "the" is where Arthur's spot on!
It's one of the hardest end-of-line words to have! The first "the" may be
OK, but the next two... nah!
I also like the Bede's sparrow allusion as a conclusion - and the crowning
irony (from a historical perspective) that the story was told in the hall to
persuade the King to find enlightenment! And I chuckle as well because I
reckon what happened afterwards was a cultural renaissance! So I really
enjoy how you end the poem!
Bob
PS I've alwasy spelt "thanes" and "churls" - but that might only show I read
Ivanhoe as a lad and never looked in a more up to date dictionary to see how
old words were spelt! (And, as an aside, I heard a group of Friesian poets a
few years back and one of them claimed they spoke the same language as Old
English! One said "I can read The Dream Of The Rood like you can read
Chaucer!" - which bafflked me because I didn't know she knew how badly I
read Chaucer!)
Bob
>From: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
><[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Redwings
>Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2004 14:31:21 -0000
>
>Hi,
>
>First thing I've posted in ages - first thing I've finished, for that
>matter! I think it's still pretty raw though, and could do with some
>knocking about.
>
>Regards,
>Matt
>
>
>
>Redwings
>
>Useful, at least, to learn the limitations
>of patio heaters in October, and how
>bare belly-buttons and cold shoulders
>have had their day. It's clear from the
>
>shimmer of the early stars that the salad
>and the ice-cream will go the same way,
>and soon we are gathering round the
>only heat like pickets in the Seventies.
>
>And then we notice the thin, hissing calls
>overhead, keeping the rest of their night
>flight from Norway close, tight. Sounds like
>seep, someone says, but we're offered see-iz
>
>by the Readers' Digest guide. If we were
>poets, we might be tempted to claim they're
>the sound of approaching winter on the wing,
>but, of course, no-one says a thing. We should
>
>be thinking of a sparrow's swift, flickering
>flight past thegn and ceorl, through the warm,
>wide, firelit hall. We don't though, and just feel the
>dark ages, seep-seep-seeping into our souls.
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