Hi Maryann,
I like the revision but feel something lost in the
changes here:
[from the first draft]
The hectic tussle
Is almost frightening;
Feathers, wings, beaks.
For me, these words: almost frightening, built a
slight, but important bit of tension. So I wonder if
you might want to consider changing hectic to
frightening, here:
A frightening* tussle ensues;
feathers, wings, beaks.
Otherwise, it feel “there” for me.
Thanks for the good read
Later
Calaya
*********
The Bone Hunters' Vacation
We go to the shore
to find the bones of our lives.
To remember why
we're happy together,
to remind ourselves
the reason for all we do
between the rise and fall
of days, weeks, months.
I put a pot of jelly
on the table in the sun.
Crushed black cherries glisten.
Sea sounds surround the curtains,
tug it out the window,
tickle its white belly.
Gulls beg midair
for scraps of toast.
We toss leftover crusts
into a scavenger-filled sky.
A hectic tussle ensues;
feathers, wings, beaks.
The newspaper remains sheathed
outside the door. The maid knows
she'll get a better tip
if she passes this room today.
Skeletons rattle beneath sheets;
shells upon the beach.
Muscles flex, relax,
flex, relax as flesh trembles to life
upon the back of the incoming tide.
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