Calaya,

I've read this at last and glad I did. It's an interesting reminder of one
role of art in life. I had a similar experience once when I had pneumonia in
Tibet. I was too ill to register anything much, too ill to feel bored or to
take a glass of water instead of imagining that I had but I remember a print
of traditional Tibetan art in front of me on the wall of the hotel room that
I looked at all day , where I lingered "feather weighted" just as you
describe. Thanks for bringing it back. As for your poem, I wonder if the
list of possible ailments at the beginning is too much for the poem. Not
saying that they couldn't all happen to someone in reality but for the
reader (should say me as reader) they don't gel into a coherent impression
of suffering. It's too much like a list. Would it be possible to concentrate
on how the narrator felt as a result of a particular illness? Then again
child birth would offer an adequate level of pain with the possibility of
resonances with new life, or cancer, which comes ready loaded with
connotations of death.(???)

BW

Colin




----- Original Message -----
From: "calaya" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, February 24, 2004 4:51 PM
Subject: Re: New Sub: Break Down Through/helen


> morning,helen, thanks so very much for your great
> suggestions. They helped me a LOT during the revision,
> which seems to need further tweaking, but feels "on
> it's way." I'm looking forward to hearing what you
> think of the revision, if you are so inclined and have
> the time.
> thnaks again
> have a great day
> calaya
>
> ****
> Hi CalayaThis is a very striking poem, contrasting
> pain and anger with a strange
> peace.I think it works very well in terms of narrative
> and imagery.
> I'm just wondering about syntax, line breaks and
> stuff.
> Each stanza seems to be essentially one sentence - the
> first is more
> truthfully a stack of clauses.
> There's certainly a strange kind of disruptive energy
> built up by the
> constant stream of subject-verb clauses which don't
> resolve into object
> until the end.But does it need some punctuation?
> There's also a kind of bam, bam, bam effect of the
> past tense verbs hitting
> the ear. Is this intentional? Desirable?
> The second stanza/sentene is more conventional in its
> construction. If it's
> the current that caught the laboured breath, shouldn't
> there be a second
> comma after
> inspired to parenthesise 'perhaps fresh air inspired'
> and perhaps also after
> 'up'.Should electric lit be hyphenated.
> In the third stanza why a full stop after whispered
> and not birch?
> All very anal I know, but I find punctuation to be a
> thing of beauty when it
> is right and a bit of a niggle when it isn't!H-----
>
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