hi Mary,
i like this: How the opening line grabs,how the tone
matches the subject, how clear the subject set out in
S1,that the subject is worded in a way which leaves a
common human search/quest opened & inclusive,how the
reader is offered a ground immediately following the
above..by a pot of jelly on the table, how the senses
are offered textures, tastes, touches and sounds in
the details of the event and place. How Time seems so
naturally paced in the work, for the physicual reality
of the event.I like the movement, in general, and
appreciate the movement from indside the room to
outside & back: because that movement, in this
context, well matches the senses already set, if the
reader is engaged; for me it seemed to carry me like
the tide. And the ending is powerful.
Still, I was stopped in first read & last following
this line:

A couple sharing pretzels

Something in the movement from outside & inside gets
lost here and I* feel displaced, slightly disoriented.
Now, perhaps you meant this,because in the final
analysis, the work holds it own after careful read. I
do get oriented, I think. It does seem to me that the
bulk of the reading confusion comes, either from, or
clear, in this S:
The paper remains
cylindrically sheathed
outside the door.
Francesca knows
she'll make a better tip
if she passes this room today.

...but not because the image isn't clear for me...it
was/is. So I am personally befuddled as for any
suggestion for a fix. But I bet you'll reckon what
this needs, if anything, and just wanted you to hear
my translation/interpretation[s] because I really *
especailly like the work.
thnaks for the great read
later
calaya
ps.fav line: Skeletons rattle beneath sheets; Bone
Hunters works for me for a title, but* if u consider a
change there, I'd look at this line for another.


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