Grassy,

It stopped me in my tracks too, but possibly in a different way. It depends
on the reading of the poem.  I felt the poem centred on a fatality (and
movingly at that) but if that's all wrong and it's about space exploration
or something else then please disregard what follows. My worry is that lungs
are hardly ever sucked in such situations. The effort is to inflate them
(and you could switch suctioning to "blowing up" or more elegant alternative
if the sound of the poem and the intended meaning permitted it.) Another
possible action would be "suctioning" when an effort is made to clear
secretions, but it's usually upper airways that are involved rather than
lungs and would not involve "all who pass". Like I suggested before, the
poem may not concern an injured person and I may be sticking my neck out
suggesting changes to something that I haven't understood. If I am right in
my interpretation I think that patience with facts does matter. Firstly most
readers have a day job and so in any audience there are bound to be some
people that will be deeply familiar with the expressed content, or part of
it. If not then now more than ever people are in a position to acquire
miscellaneous knowledge through TV and the internet and seem inclined to do
so. Secondly if people like a poem surely they will come to be familiar with
it just because they like it so much, and IMO this is just the kind of poem
that people would keep in a folder to read again and again. So an obvious
mistake, and I make plenty myself, really can mar the enjoyment if the
reader has to live with it for a long time. But the good thing is that
familiarity with unfamiliar terrain is easily come by. It's much more
readily come by than aptitude with language for instance or command of
imagery . Hope this helps.

BW

Colin

----- Original Message -----
From: "Roger Collett" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, February 23, 2004 7:00 AM
Subject: Re: New sub : Passing


> Grassy,
>
> Lovely, vivid imagery.
> just one quibble - don't like 'suctioning'
> difficult to suggest a suitable alternative tho'
> maybe - 'sucking at' - or - 'vacuuming' - ?
> Anyway it stopped me in my tracks in a smooth read, and I had to stop
myself
> reading it as - 'sectioning'.
>
> Roger
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Sunday, February 22, 2004 11:53 PM
> Subject: New sub : Passing
>
>
>
>
>
>              Passing
>
> The fact that I am naked makes me
> shiver. The others who pass by, with
> blurred faces, do not notice that
>
> they are treading on my shed clothes
> and skin. Air is winter on the crimson
> of my flesh, my nerves combed
>
> like flayed wires ready to be twisted
> to the current. I am caterpillar small,
> yet my frosted breath fills the room .
>
> All who pass are suctioning my lungs.
> I cannot breathe. I have to run
> outside, where the night is opened,
>
> and though I left them bending over you
> like vivisectors, you walk beside me,
> long stride curtailed to mine, bare neck
>
> arched and one untubed arm pointing
> outwards to the endless dust of stars.
>
>                                 grasshopper