morning, mary,
thanks very much for you thorough look at this and
helpful suggestions. I've thought most about the
notion that "little would be lost with the omission
of, 'screamed at, flooped, alarmed and warned'
Honestly, I think there would be a loss, particularly
of the anger, and I think that the transition &
movement in the poem would be, uh, lessened. But I
very much respect your skills & will keep this idea in
mine while I continue to look at this.
re:You other suggestions: thanks, and i'll probably
make most of the changes you suggested when this gets
to the next draft.
have a great day
calaya
Hi there Calaya,
I hadn't had a chance to crit or comment on the
original, but I did
read
it, and your revision is very well done. :) I've made
a couple of
nit-picks below. Glad you're on the mend.
--- calaya <[log in to unmask]> wrote:Break Down
Through
Weighted by test results and proclamations,
going under again, and again,
ripped rotor cuff screamed at,
paralyzed foot flopped,
adrenal tumor alarmed,
pituitary anomaly warned,
[just my 2 cents but, little would be lost with the
omission of,
'screamed
at, flooped, alarmed and warned']
drowning in what I’d maintained about pain, [perhaps
'drowned' in
keeping
with previous 'Weighted']
I noticed a ceiling fan.
It’s current, perhaps fresh air inspired, [Its] [Also,
consider
removing
'perhaps']
caught my breath and stretched me, [omit 'and']
pulled me up into an electric lit mural- [awesome
visual]
so familiar I’d forgotten painting; [perhaps, 'so
familiar I'd
forgotten
how to paint']
as overlooked as my prayer stick,
suspended from the scene like a branch.
A make believe bird, aroused, whispered. [excellent
stanza!!]
Perched on the make-believe birch,
we lingered,
feather-weighted. [great conclusion]
**
cjw
Thanks for letting me butt in Calaya, Cheerwell, Mary
:O)
=====
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