Calaya,

Suggestions always welcome, thanks,


Colin


----- Original Message -----
From: "calaya" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, February 20, 2004 1:44 AM
Subject: Re: newsub/assumptions


> hi colin,
> i like this a lot. And, after a few reads, hoped you
> wouldn't mind if I made a few suggestions:
>
> After a fall the sky
> is never the same.
>
> She hadn't said
> that she couldn't swim.
> When asked if she snorkelled
> she'd said yes. They'd
> set off through the lagoon
> to the white rim.
>
> Sun shone on tanned backs,
> winked on waves' tilt,            {moved the')
> sent its bending lines
> like radar onto turtles,
> conches and coral trout
> and they'd waved with large underwater hands
> just as her snorkel snapped off
> and floated from the grip of stretched fingers,
> then sank.
>
> He turned for another
> and couldn't grasp why
> she was low in the water
> face stone grey         (****)
> with mouth to the sky
> and didn't answer* when asked
> but gasped
> as the water drained.
>
> His snorkel jammed in
> she swallowed and came back
> to the good-luck turtles,
> flopped weakly
> on the sloping sand.
>
> After a fall the sky
> is never the same.
>
> Years later, her daughter
> couldn't wait to climb trees like Mowgli,
> ran on to an arm of beech
> leant tenderly down.
> It eased her up to the thick trunk
> where she slipped
> from the height of a ceiling
> onto her head,
> and saw for the first time    {line cut out}
> behind herself.
>
> He saw altered years,
> thin limbs in a wheel chair
> long after
> she'd stood and cried.
>
> At times memories stray into meetings.
> He finds them in streets
> like man-holes uncovered,
> enough to run his hands
> gingerly along each rim,
> sense how deep the pit.
>
> *******whatta ya think?
> BTW, find the line
> At times memories stray into meeting
> quite inspiring.
>
> thnaks for the good read and the chance to tinker.
> later
> calaya
>
>
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