Hi there Barb,
Yes, those things really gummed up the works. I've revised both of them.
There was supposed to be elipses after 'before...'. Thanks for your help
with this one, much appreciated. Cheerwell, Mary :O)
--- Barbara Ostrander <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Maryann,
>
> I'm tagging on to Mike here because I tripped over the same two spots.
> I
> wouldn't get rid of belly though, it's the freshness of that line. What
> about
> just "in the belly of the biscuit."
>
> I think the second question "before what" must refer to before you open
> the
> can of dog food but the connection is not very clear because of the
> sentence
> (he loves the sound) in between. Is that right?
>
> Best, Barbara
>
>
> > >Hello Maryann,
> > This strikes me as a very well put together poem. It is clear,
>
> > simple and the language suits the subject and tone. Only two small
> points I would
> > query. The first is in S2, the phrase `in the fold of the belly of the
>
> > biscuit´ where I´m wondering about the repeated `of´ genitive. It may
> be that
> > you´ve used it for its rhythmic effect, but if not, could you use the
> `s´ genitive
> > with `biscuit´ or cut `belly´ completely? The second query concerns S4
> which
> > seems to end in mid-air on the word `before´. before what? Is a line
> missing
> > here?
> > Hope these comments are useful.
> >
> >
> >
> > Best wishes, Mike
> >
> >
> >
> > >If Your Desires Are Not Extravagant, They Will Be Granted
> > >
> > >
> > >He loves a fresh fortune cookie
> > >with the wrapper opened
> > >just enough to get a good whiff
> > >of sweet almost-lemon.
> > >
> > >He loves the cellophane's crinkle,
> > >the crunch of crisp cookie,
> > >the mysterious strip of paper
> > >in the fold of the belly of the BISCUIT.
> > >And, he is happy.
> > >
> > >I pull the damp fortune
> > >from between his teeth
> > >and read it to him.
> > >He listens intently,
> > >head cocked to one side;
> > >profound understanding
> > >glistens in his eye.
> > >And, he loves me.
> > >
> > >He lays on his patch of sunny carpet,
> > >scratches his ear in deep contemplation
> > >for several hours before
> > >
> > >he loves the sound
> > >of the can opener that beckons him
> > >to the very smelly DINNER he loves.
> > >And, he finds the true meaning
> > >of contentment.
> > >And, he loves me.
> > >
> > >~*~
> > >
> > >Cheerwell, Mary :O)
> >
>
>
=====
Good Cheer & Be Well,
Maryann Hazen Stearns
"Under The Limbo Stick" http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
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