Thank you for your considerate suggestions.

kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 02/16/2004 3:15:22 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:

<< > Hello Ryfkah,

               There´s a lot that I really like in this piece. The setting of 
the scene in the opening stanzas is my favourite part. I was less keen on the 
final three lines, the staccato effect of the three short sentences feels a 
bit too `easy´ to me and I have doubts about `glow their fragrance´, and also 
`celestial night´. A couple of suggestions; in line 11 what about a slight 
change of word order? `draws shadows on the wall, primitive and symbolic´. Also, 
this raises the question of punctuation. I notice you don´t have any, yet 
you´ve indicated sentences by capitalising the first letters. In which case why not 
put in the fullstops? Also, using commas would give you more flexibility with 
syntax, as in the change I´ve suggested. 

I hope this is useful.





Best wishes,   Mike >>