> Hello Ryfkah,
               There´s a lot that I really like in this piece. The setting of the scene in the opening stanzas is my favourite part. I was less keen on the final three lines, the staccato effect of the three short sentences feels a bit too `easy´ to me and I have doubts about `glow their fragrance´, and also `celestial night´. A couple of suggestions; in line 11 what about a slight change of word order? `draws shadows on the wall, primitive and symbolic´. Also, this raises the question of punctuation. I notice you don´t have any, yet you´ve indicated sentences by capitalising the first letters. In which case why not put in the fullstops? Also, using commas would give you more flexibility with syntax, as in the change I´ve suggested. 
I hope this is useful.




Best wishes,   Mike




> Lähettäjä: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/02/15 su PM 07:48:57 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New: TemperMint
> 
> TemperMint
> 
> A bumble bee lingers like a descending storm
> The Virginian garden laden with humidity
> decants perfume of mint and honeysuckle
> Sunshine sneaks through dusky thunder clouds
> spinning from shore    Birch bare their white limbs
> 
> The baby won't relent   She sobs for hours
> Inside windows perspire with the conditioned
> air and the outside scorch   A lightening z bright
> as a photoflash animates the nursery
> A gypsy scarf tossed over the clown lamp
> 
> draws on the wall shadows primitive and symbolic
> as Gaugin's dreams   I nuzzle her tiny body to
> my breast as she shrieks for something unknowable
> I sip chamomile tea with fresh mint  a bit of fructose
> pour the rest in a bottle   My daughter dozes
> 
> The tropical storm rages   The garden
> floods   Branches lie like severed corpses
> Flowers flop their heads to the soil
> Lightening rages   Thunder erupts   Wind screams
> Candles replace electricity   glow their fragrance
> 
> The baby sleeps singing to the celestial night
> 
> Ryfkah 2/15/04
>