Shaynal,
I quite like this poem, because of all the interesting connections between
words and the unexpected sounds, but I wonder if it runs to excess in parts.
For instance "gin twinged grins" is difficult to say. It's a bit like, "The
Leith police dismisseth us". You can say it smoothly enough once you've
practiced it, but first time round it's bit of a tongue twister. However
such parts are rare and mostly I find I can enjoy the exuberance of the
language. I note "barred" S2/L7 and wonder if it should be "barbed"?
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, February 07, 2004 6:29 PM
Subject: Ryfkah's daughter's poem
> march babybird march
>
> follow
> black brick road
> (no brain no courage no heart)
> no hope noticing
> twilight telephone lines
> tied down to street signs
> cage murky midnight skies
> &imprison lovers breath
> on muddy window panes
> mirroring buoyant moonbeams
> bouncing jitterbug like schoolboys
> cupping juvenile breasts
> in babybird hands
> hatch&fall
> to their deaths
> wind blown like saxophone
>
> jazzman saves the soul
> &conducts gin twinged grins
> convinced Jewking was a con&a crook
> (greedmouth doesnt consume holy book)
> fire! fire! melt plastic pages
> &ancient oak trees
> turn to barred wire&bombshelters
> system advance as sick scent:
> rotting eggs&rotting corpses lick
> the ground where the winged beast sings
> for supper&captures babybirds
> in blue blood fist
> as blue-collar boys row merrily home
>
> to big boned women who mourn and moan
>
> shaynalhorwitz
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