Hi Arthur,
There's lots of good uses of repetition and rhythm here.
I wonder about stanza 3 (as my first blush lit ALL the ways?????) and I
wonder if the last stanza is there for the reader. or for the writer?
What interests me more, tho, is the repetition on "walked" using it twice in
each stanza. It's a big risk. I know I once worked at a poem that had the
repeated phrasing "Life is either..." and then "Or..." in a whole series of
stanzas. In the end I changed all the stanza-start-lines (the "Life is
either..." lines) and substituted words like "Life could be," "Life may be,"
"Life's perhaps..." etc. After a couple of days I realised it worked far
better without the "Either" word! (The repetition was sublimated/hidden
deeper in the poem: the purpose of art being to conceal art... etc). There's
a whole thesaurus of "walk" words (stride/stroll/saunter spring to mind
without thought and a "paused" or "stood" might work too...) and choices
could be made to replace either the first instance in the stanzas or the
last...
Just a serious thought for a serious poem...
Bob
>From: Arthur Seeley <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub: Road Map
>Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 21:34:19 -0000
>
>Road Map
>
>I walked
>where sunlight smouldered in the grass
>and reeled as each blade bent
>to let me pass
>to stumble all the ways
>I walked.
>
>I walked
>when time swung listless in the sky
>and, lonely as that first star,
>my stick and I
>swept all the ways
>I walked
>
>I walked
>where summer hummed in every bush
>and soft breasts bloomed
>as my first blush
>lit all the ways
>I walked.
>
>I walked
>the staggered streets of night
>where every window
>spilled a pallid light
>down all the ways
>I walked.
>
>I walked
>long corridors of rubber tiles
>as she lay dying
>and her last smiles
>paved all the ways
>I walked.
>
>I walked
>on shining southern sands
>where bright waves broke
>and other lands
>loaned all the ways
>I walked.
>
>Now I walk
>where stars and blushes, sands and sea
>candescent on the road behind
>show clear to me
>the patterns of the ways
>I walked.
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