Mike
Thanks, for these ideas. You have picked up quite a few of the areas I was
wondering about - especially how close to the topic can you get without
being jarringly mawkish. Spade is a good substitute, thanks.
As for the confusing time shift, how about
<snip>
small sorrow-scented lilies will amaze.
Next year, when winter's darkest weeks are done,
I pray my son will find these cyclamen.
<snip>
I know what you mean about the gross diction - but I'm trying to get across
something about a heroic battle being fought in the garden as a not entirely
successful diversion from another more significant fight that demands too
much patience and not enough action. (An NHS operation, not a military one.)
I'm still torn about whether or not to keep 'hold his hand'. If his mother's
there in the flesh, he's not going to talk about her in the third person. I
want the line to have a subliminal sense of a pagan oath (as in 'By the Tree
of Yggdrasil') that can have a force beyond the physical world - but I agree
'can be there' is a bit weak. Any suggestions as to how to keep it ambiguous
but make it stronger very welcome.
Thanks
Terri
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf
Of Mike Horwood
Sent: 02 February 2004 09:16
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: Operation February
> Hello Terri,
This is a skilfully put together piece IMHO. I did wonder if
the rhythm was a bit intrusive on first reading and some aspects of the
diction seemed a bit overdone to me - `call to arms´, `deafened by duty´,
`spurned´ `cankered´. These could seem a bit overstated, melodramatic,
clichéd, but I think you can get away with them if the poem is read as being
deliberately mock-heroic, and since the use of language is consistent, I
think it can be read that way. I think I would agree with most of the small
changes you´ve made in this version, but not all. I´m wondering about
changing `fork´ to `blade´. I can see why you´ve done it, but `blade´
suggests a knife so strongly, and especially in the context of `cancer´ that
I found the word jarred a bit. What about `spade´? I would remove the comma
at the end of line 15 and also after `that´ in line 17. I agree with placing
a fullstop at the end of line 18 and starting line 19 with `That´ but I
would keep `I´ll hold his hand´ at the end of that line and start the next
line with `and´. The part which gives me most trouble is the sudden shift in
the final stanza from `the darkest weeks´ to `next year´. My favourite line
is `I track the bindweed´s blind lymphatic roots´ - a great combination of
sounds and rhythm. I hope this is of some use.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: alderoak <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/02/01 su PM 11:06:02 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New sub: Operation February
>
> sorry if this gets there twice - the first one didn't come back to me,
> so I'm not sure it got in.
>
> In which short interval, it has undergone some minor revisions, as
> usual.
>
> Operation February
>
>
>
>
>
> I almost missed the season's call to arms;
>
> deafened by duty, making future plans,
>
> I did not hear the birds that spurned my seed
>
> to raise their young on less neglected land.
>
>
>
> Now needled by the seriousness of dawn
>
> I'm driven out to scan my cankered bed,
>
> choked by a dying back of tangled weeds,
>
> their capsules milked, no telling where they've spread.
>
>
>
> I track the bindweed's blind lymphatic roots,
>
> the cancer that my ruthless blade reveals,
>
> then scar the soil with compost, raked well in.
>
> Dug deep enough each year, a garden heals.
>
>
>
> This time I plant perennials, the kind
>
> that flower despite these cold foreshortened days.
>
> Though shadowed by the hazel, in this vale,
>
> small sorrow-scented lilies will amaze.
>
>
>
> I pray that, when these darkest weeks are done,
>
> next year my son will find these cyclamen.
>
> That, by the twisted tree, I can be there
>
> to hear him say 'My mother planted them.'
>
> Terri )O(
>
>
|
