Hi Colin,
A finely wrought, memorable poem. I like the content, the style, the sounds
and rhythms (it reads slow, there's quiet little rhyme-sounds (focused on an
"en" sound, and the "knee/Vee" sound in the last stanza is pleasing, IMHO,
too, and the touched/notch which concludes the poem!)
I'm not yet sure I like the first stanza as much as what follows: could be
the "he" and the "his"? Might be... I think the order is OK:
father/son/sword/father - so it could be how the people are mentioned might
work with some adjustment. The words "gave up" could be changed, too...
(you're saying he gave up saying it but the poem takes things a lot further,
so...). I'm suggesting slight tinkering, tho, more than drastic re-making!
And "upon" - eurgh, so precise, so unused by people!
A fine piece. (And if others think the first stanza works with no bother for
them I'll only stick out to say "upon" has almost lost its place in usage to
"on." So, come on, let it slip away un-noticed.
Bob
>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: newsub/lesson
>Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 19:43:29 -0000
>
> The Lesson
>
>This man sustained a sword blow to his leg and a second across his face. He
>survived both -you can see from the healed bone -though he would have been
>blind in the left eye. This is the injury that killed him, a sword thrust
>from the front so deep that it penetrated the spine. (BBC2 documentary on
>the excavation of a Celtic hill fort).
>
>
>
>
>
>He'd always said his son wouldn't play
>with knives or guns, but gave up
>when he found him making his own.
>His first swords, cut from card, bent
>upon cotton. As Dad was it not duty
>to tape two and slip in a splint of cane?
>
>The sword -a romantic weapon-yes-
>but it rends flesh and splits bone
>as sure as any gun. "Remember
>it's just a game," he urged his son,
>but showing the blade found him pinned
>on the end, and so made another,
>"just for defence". As the son struck,
>old reflex deflected and counter-struck.
>
>With modest grin that father said,
>"Strike to the centre, the atemi points
>are up the middle from groin to chin
>and both sides from ear to knee.
>Well that's enough for today." But the son
>spun, feinted to groin, struck inverted V
>before ribs meet and touched the jugular notch.
>
>
>
>
>______________________________
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