Hi Colin,
Oh, as the snow falls hereabouts this is a joy to read.
"climb Upon"?
climb up, climb on... both far better than "climb upon"
and...
the word "heave" also sounds pretty strong!!! Particularly in relation to
the whole tide and not just one wave...
I'm thinking the second stanza might be mentioning too many things! And it
needn't have as many words in the "explaining" comments. Give it a haircut!
I also guess the total title is A Perfect day On The Beach - and I'm
thinking the irony's so obvious the title "might" be used for other
"Information" - like where it is, or...
Bob


>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: newsub/beach
>Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 19:59:20 -0000
>
>A perfect day on the beach:
>
>....for a child
>
>Sun falling on warm sand,
>a gallon bucket from Granny's cupboard
>for giant castles,
>a trowel each from Grandpa's shed
>for digging moats big enough to sit in,
>a length of hose washed up
>for siphoning water
>from one rock pool to another,
>watching it overflow to a third,
>green crabs in the half-drained pool,
>offering defiant claws,
>the bleached halves of cockles
>in a dazzling drift, gathered in handfuls
>for scales on the sand sides of a buried mermaid,
>whale-backed rocks lounging for sailors to climb upon
>to taunt the sea weed monster that lunges
>with each heave of the tide.
>
>
>
>...for an adult
>
>Absence of rain and brisk wind,
>no biting insects on this occasion,
>not having a wet Alsatian
>shake itself
>as its owner stamps by,
>no paedophile chatting up the children
>as happened in 1995,
>nor a dune of litter from all corners of the earth,
>a bloated puppy and a brick in a see-through plastic bag
>or someone swimming out to sea so far
>its obvious they won't come back
>as a quiet crowd gathers,
>no burnt out car on the sand,
>not having to explain to a six year old
>what was going through the driver's mind
>as they lit it,
>nor a lone man realising
>that the car park on a fine day
>has sufficient people.
>None of these on our horizon.
>
>
>
>_______________________
>
>looking for a better last line - thoughts?

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