> Hello Colin,
`four-year-old son´ should be hyphenated thus. I didn´t feel that this one was as successful as some other pieces you´ve posted. In general I felt that in order to include as much descriptive detail in as brief a spce as possible you´ve sacrificed rhythm and structure somewhat. If you´re planning on revising this one, one idea might be to simply cut out some of that detail and see if you can present the narrative more fluently (which sounds all very well, but I don´t quite know how to do it!) Best of luck.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/01/24 la PM 02:36:41 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Re: newsub/Queen's Bird
>
> I forgot to say, I'm having a purge on hyphens at the mo. So please let me
> know if any there that shouldn't be or not there that should be in this or
> other po's
>
> thanks,
>
> Colin
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Colin dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2004 12:30 PM
> Subject: newsub/Queen's Bird
>
>
> > The Queen's Bird
> >
> > They say that a swan in anger
> > can break a man's arm with its wing.
> > Watch pond visitors withdraw
> > when one swan comes. But I'd back
> > the human every time. Just consider
> > a man in his twenties with deft feet
> > and palms hardened by axe and shovel
> > against neck, so like a jug handle,
> > in snowy circumference a hand's length.
> >
> > Three chicks bob to the shore, bread bound
> > till they topple in foam, wet wing fronds and stand,
> > ovals of down only, cloud-grey,
> > a mouthful each for the tod fox
> > that lingers in willows, and watches.
> > Their father is swift on still water.
> > Through wing's arc I see air and shore beyond,
> > his neck like a serpent, the chisel bill and head
> > held proudly, the breast that none dares touch
> > for any swan is the queen's bird.
> >
> > My four year old son fed cygnets
> > with fingers so soft that the flaked bread dropped
> > and so bent to urge the crumbs further.
> > The curve of his skull approached as the chicks pecked.
> > I heard the aggressive hiss, saw plumes spread,
> > a hard cob, threatening my boy.
> >
> >
> > Colin
> >
> >
> > PS Does anyone know more about the law in question and/or think I should
> say
> > more about it as a foot note?
> >
>
|