Calaya,
I preferred this version, with some reservations. The best parts are where
there several words compress the significance of what could have been a long
sentence with tight and energetic use of language. It's true that I can't
always get the meaning, but I can go with the images to a great extent. The
less satisfactory parts are where the images are drawn out into long
abstract phrases.
Please see below for more specific comments, but it's your poem and you may
not agree with these thoughts.
BW,
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "calaya" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:41 PM
Subject: ReVision:Gunmetal Mourning/was Blues
Gunmetal Mourning
Icy winds hail a flag dressed in double faces.A BIT TOO LONG FOR THIS STYLE
OF POEM IMO.
Daybreak greets its war missive.
Skies cry gunmetal blues.EXCELLENT!
Winged things ascend.
Snowflakes FALL on limbs. (???)
Behind the signals' post,
beyond a birch grove,
currents exhale across a near horizon. CURRENTS SUGGEST WATER AND EXHALE
SUGGESTS AIR - SO NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS.
A woman dressed for two worlds
wails; cataracts cast transparent spaces LIKE THESE LAST 2 LINES ALOT
'round the standards' missive.
Dawn howls louder than the phone.THIS IS MUCH BETTER IMO
Sad, "Hello?" tones.
Scales older than wrong numbers.
Notes heavy as starless reds,
black-hole whites and dispirited blues.I MISSED THE FORMALITY OF SENTENCE
STRUCTURE HERE, BUT THAT COULD BE MY LIMITATION.
__________________________________
ORIG:
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----- Original Message -----
From: "calaya" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:41 PM
Subject: ReVision:Gunmetal Mourning/was Blues
Gunmetal Mourning
Icy winds hail a flag dressed in double faces.
Daybreak greets its war missive.
Skies cry gunmetal blues.
Winged things ascend.
Snowflakes drop on limbs.
Behind the signals' post,
beyond a birch grove,
currents exhale across a near horizon.
A woman dressed for two worlds
wails; cataracts cast transparent spaces
'round the standards' missive.
Dawn howls louder than the phone.
Sad, "Hello?" tones.
Scales older than wrong numbers.
Notes heavy as starless reds,
black-hole whites and dispirited blues.
__________________________________
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Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
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