i really like the simplicity in this so much, matt.
everything works, and works well, imho, but...a few
"feminine" ideas below:
Here's the deal -{my deal, a clearer sense of voice?}
as I am only the average dumb male,[do u need dumb?
this woman would be/is distracted by that and this
poet feel that evey word u use here is less and less
toward the show of monosyllabic}
which is to say, monosyllabic.
Yes.
Me.
And talk being cheap, and
words anyway never being enough,[need anyway?i vote
no}
we must rely on older, simpler[may we rely? invite?}
things. Smell, taste, touch.[yes, lovely]
Trust me. Trust us.[ok;grin; but how bout a L break
here, so the trust us line is...outstanding }
good one, and thanks for it
calaya
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/signingbonus
|