Hi Gary,
I certainly didn't mean that you write too much heavy stuff - I think you
strike a very good balance, which is why, as you say, I think there's room
for something like this without the hint of a happy ending.
Regards,
Matt

-----Original Message-----
From: Gary Blankenship [mailto:[log in to unmask]] 
Sent: 19 January 2004 16:35
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New: Vital Statistics, Ryf, Sally,Arthur, Barbara, Colin, Matt


THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN SWEPT FOR VIRUSES BY THE NORTHCLIFFE GROUP MAILSWEEPER
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(Depression draws!)

Ah from birth to death...life's journey told in terse verse.

kol tuv, Ryfkah

Sis, yes and?

*

Most of this is good but I dont like the ending gary - you dont know whether
you are supposed to laugh or not ta the ending! bw SallyE

Sally, perhaps each needs to come to that on their own.  I smiled a wee bit.

Others may grimace or laugh.

*

there has to be some joy
in existence, joy or the hope of joy, to redeem the patterns of our ways.

One thing though that jars in this fine read is the notion of a virus
sneezing, it may cause a sneeze but is not equipped with the necessary
physical bits to sneeze itself. Not sure either about the closing line which
attributes an ability to distinguish smells to the air. It could be my
scientific background but my nose wrinkles at these two points. --Arthur

Arthur, but why?  Joy I mean.  In my view, all to often we are given a happy

end and all to often it feels false.  Perhaps the simple honesty that we are

born and our birth may not be all that favored...and we die and may die 
alone, unremembered is enough at times.  At others, we want smiles and 
laughter.

As for virus sneezing and air smelling.  It may be a cultural thing.  Too
many cartoons and Disney, so I can see anything as having human traits.

*

What a sad piece.  It makes me think of the book of Ecclesiastes, where
Solomon says "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity."  So what's the point in the
end?  You offer no hope here.

I wasn't crazy about the last two lines.  Maybe if you flipped it around a
bit, it wouldn't feel flippant, like it does to me now, and which goes 
against
the feel of the rest of the poem.
--Barbara

Barbara, is it my task to offer hope?

The end may be flippant or it may not.  I do not see it that way, only 
matter of fact, but others do.  So I need to think on what they see.

*

Captures a mood well IMO. Not so keen on "the binding cut so clean no
vibration singles I've departed." but that could just be because I can't
make much of it and others might see it differently. Also the bit about the
virus sneezing could come across as a little cranky. As for the ending, I
like it. It's nihilism fits with the mood of the poem. -Colin

Colin, part of the inspiration came from readings about slavery - first that

slaves names would be written upside down at the bottom of the page.  The
chains and binding a follow on.  The end relates to how little the 
slavemaster often thought of his property.

*

In fact, one thing I might change would be the line "Air surrounds me as if
I'm chained and shackled" to "Air surrounds me and I'm chained and
shackled", but that's just personal preference. Very good read IMHO.
Regards, Matt

Matt, it often seems to me I do write too much heavy stuff. I will look at
the lines.

Smiles.

Gary





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