I donīt know if itīs just me, but I have difficulty following the syntax at
several points in this poem. I can give a couple of examples; I donīt see
the connection between lines 1 and 2 yet they are separated by only a comma.
The sense seems to demand a full stop at the end of line 1 though line 2
would still come as a radical change of direction. Similarly lines 2 and 3
donīt obey any grammatical rule that I can identify. The meaning is
consequently difficult to extract and Iīm not sure if Iīve guessed it right,
but if I have, itīs only by virue of guessing. Should it be interpreted
something like this? "Thomas Jefferson claimed to believe that all men were
created equal yet he showed by other things he said that he did not, in
fact, believe this." If this is the meaning, I would question whether it can
be successfully conveyed to the reader through such truncated syntax. As you
know, I favour what many would call a more (too) wordy style and whilst I
accept that there is much to be argued in favour of cutting back unnecessary
verbage I certainly believe it would be worth looking over the phrasing
here. The references to figures and events in the poem would have gone over
my head without your footnote. I wonder if it would be worth enlarging on it
a little for readers who are not so familiar with Jefferson and Washington.
Also, I miss the reference to Abigail and John. I think the heart of the
poem is a very interesting idea, if Iīve understood right, that Jefferson
and Washington were both guilty of the same hypocrisies yet one has had a
good press and the other a bad. I think I would like to see a different
presentation of the theme, though.
I hope this is useful.
Mike, lines 2 and 4
Thomas has been thrown down,
*all men are created equal*
given lie by words he uttered,
*pursuit of happiness*
by failure to act when only he could,
Need italics, direct quotes from the Declaration. I've been avoiding
posting with a format, likely need to change that at times.
Enlarging? Perhaps, though it will be more likely that there will be
another at some point, a companion.
John and his wife? Our second president, but a bitter enemy of Jefferson.
(And not always on the best of terms with Washington.) Thomas and John
spent considerable time publicly skewering each other (normally through
others). Abigail was quoted as calling Washington a God.
Hope that helps.
Smiles and thanks.
Gary
Writer's Hood, the best poetry on the web, at http://www.writershood.com/
Poets for Peace.... ĄPoemas sí, balas no!
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