Hi Gary,
Thanks for your comments!
It didn't work too well in standard sentence construction, all the time it
seemed to want to revert to this one-though-leads-to-another almost stream
of consciousness muse.
I'm thinking through how a shorter line length affects things, too. Perhaps
I'm wondering if I'm getting fed up of trying to write things that look
traditional, trying to imitate, and trying to let the words - and their
rhythmns and sounds - start to nudge their own poem shape into being... But,
I also agree, it does look a rather dense slab of words... So I'm trying
other tricks to make it more appealing to the eye as well as the mouth and
ear!
Bob


>From: Gary Blankenship <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: This is the only moment
>Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 07:11:39 -0800
>
>
>the lilac blossom by the post-box holds the light so close to itself
>as I slip in my letter to you, like a tongue into a mouth, so confident,
>the only moment, as when clothes fall so slowly again, gently
>as my envelope onto the layers of post, and just now, like me,
>the blackbird on the gatepost, such a loud claim on what matters
>
>Bob, there is a lot to like here -lilac, slipped letter, blackbird,
>etc...but the form makes the poem difficult to me...perhaps prosy, perhaps
>too heavy, perhaps...?
>
>I wonder if it were more pent - 10/11 count per line - vs twice that and
>set in S with some punc and caps.
>
>Longer by over double, but perhaps easier to scan.
>
>Thanks.
>
>Gary
>