Sally,

Excellent sequence of sounds in the first few lines of the poem. And I like
the economy of the last line of the poem.

BW

Colin


----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, December 20, 2004 3:37 PM
Subject: Re: Revises poem Home for Christmas Bob and Gary


Thanks Bob and Gary. I will still rework this poem till I get it right. But
glad some of it works. Bw sally J

>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Revises poem Home for Christmas
>Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:12:56 +0000
>
>Hi Sally,
>Interesting re-working going on here...
>I think I'd prefer her to be sipping, not drinking, the beer. No, you've
>got sipping earlier in the poem haven't you! It's just that drinks is such
>an unfeeling word in a sentence that's filled with feeling. Thesaurus time,
>I guess...
>Bob
>
>>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Revises poem Home for Christmas
>>Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 05:00:57 +0000
>>
>>Thanks to eveyone who replied with crits sorry I haveny replied persoanlly
>>but have revised aftre comments. I am in a bit of a muddle with Christmas
>>at the moment.
>>
>>
>>Home for Christmas
>>
>>She sits in her chair
>>settles to watch the soap
>>sips tea from a china cup.
>>Snug in her dressing gown
>>she smells of bath oil, and lavender
>>hot buttered toast and good books.
>>Bubbles like baubles still fizz in grey curls
>>and her glasses, half mooned
>>steam at the end of her nose.
>>
>>A ring on the doorbell
>>and she shuffles down the hall
>>her frame one step ahead.
>>With a draught and a flurry of white
>>her grandson arrives
>>wearing civvies and a smile.
>>"Have a can nan" he laughs
>>opening the beer with a spurt
>>from cold trigger fingers.
>>
>>A loose tail wags the dog
>>till the welcome becomes
>>a curl at his feet.
>>They sit together on the sofa
>>watch the soap evaporate
>>bubbles pop on pine.
>>He searches the twinkle of tree
>>for his present, places hers beneath.
>>She drinks beer from the can
>>wipes tears from her eyes
>>sees the unshed ones in his.
>>
>>sally james