Hi Frank,
OK, you're arguing well for its inclusion - maybe I'm a little concerned
that the poor blokey who's had the snip isn't coming across too strongly at
the end of the piece. I'm left with a clearer image of the woman in the
bedroom than I am of the bloke the piece began with. But if the next piece
starts with a clear image of the guy then that might do the trick...
And if the bloke being head-butted in a supermarket is next then... Ouch,
point made!
Bob
>From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Sub: a cause of grief - bob
>Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 18:39:25 +1100
>
>G'day Bob,
>
>Thanks for the thoughtful comment. Sorry it's a while to respond.
>
>I can't agree about the last coupelt being unnecessary. My point
>(attempted)
>was that the narrator doesn't quite know what just happened, but is able to
>attribute it to his friend who is undergoing a procedure - it is the
>friends
>fault and it isn't right!!
>
>I don't think t he point is made if the piece were to stop earlier.
>
>Still, I'm no authority on this - just a gut instinct.
>
>Cheers,
>
>
>Frank
>
>
>
> > Hi Frank,
> > Good to read a piece of your again! And I great way to start it: "yeah,
> > yeah" - I might borrow that sometime... it really sets the tone!
> > But, unlike others, I don't like the final couplet! It's good words,
>good
> > order - particularly the line "I ought to snot him one" - but the poem
>ends
> > with the word "cry" for me...
> > I guess I think that because I want the narratior to be more attuned to
> > what's just happened (the door closing) and not changing the subject for
>me
> > as a listener.
> > But I'm prepared to debate this!!!
> > If the "snot him" line is redundant then it's a brill line to use in
>another
> > piece!
> > Bob
> >
> >
> >
> > >From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: Sub: a cause of grief
> > >Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 20:49:29 +1100
> > >
> > >a cause of grief
> > >
> > >yeah yeah
> > >I caught up with him last night
> > >
> > >he looks ok
> > >pretty good really
> > >I tried ribbing him a bit
> > >but it wasn't much fun
> > >he's starting to take it all a bit seriously
> > >
> > >so he should I suppose
> > >it's only about two weeks away
> > >
> > >my missus asked me what he was up to
> > >so I told her what was going on
> > >
> > >talk about weird
> > >
> > >first she went all soppy about him
> > >what a lovely man he was
> > >and when is he doing it
> > >and what's his lady like
> > >and awwwwww
> > >
> > >like that
> > >
> > >then she looks at me
> > >I can see I'm in for a serve
> > >and she outs with
> > >when am I going to do it
> > >and I go
> > >do what
> > >she says when am I going to have it done
> > >I say
> > >have what done
> > >
> > >she says when am I going to get the snip
> > >
> > >I say
> > >now hang on
> > >I was going to put her straight
> > >but she just hoed into me
> > >what a selfish prick I am
> > >only thinking of myself
> > >look at what she had to go through
> > >why couldn't I be a decent sort like he is
> > >
> > >I said
> > >whoa
> > >what do you mean
> > >
> > >he's getting it reversed
> > >
> > >he wants to make her pregnant
> > >and go back to being just like me
> > >
> > >you're not making sense
> > >love
> > >
> > >she just looked at me again
> > >and went off to the bedroom and shut the door
> > >
> > >I think she might have had a cry
> > >.
> > >.
> > >.
> > >.
> > >I ought to snot him one
> > >for causing me grief at home
> > >
> > >~
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