G'day Bob,

Thanks for the thoughtful comment. Sorry it's a while to respond.

I can't agree about the last coupelt being unnecessary. My point (attempted)
was that the narrator doesn't quite know what just happened, but is able to
attribute it to his friend who is undergoing a procedure - it is the friends
fault and it isn't right!!

I don't think t he point is made if the piece were to stop earlier.

Still, I'm no authority on this - just a gut instinct.

Cheers,


Frank



> Hi Frank,
> Good to read a piece of your again! And I great way to start it: "yeah,
> yeah" - I might borrow that sometime... it really sets the tone!
> But, unlike others, I don't like the final couplet! It's good words, good
> order - particularly the line "I ought to snot him one" - but the poem
ends
> with the word "cry" for me...
> I guess I think that because I want the narratior to be more attuned to
> what's just happened (the door closing) and not changing the subject for
me
> as a listener.
> But I'm prepared to debate this!!!
> If the "snot him" line is redundant then it's a brill line to use in
another
> piece!
> Bob
>
>
>
> >From: Frank <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Sub: a cause of grief
> >Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 20:49:29 +1100
> >
> >a cause of grief
> >
> >yeah yeah
> >I caught up with him last night
> >
> >he looks ok
> >pretty good really
> >I tried ribbing him a bit
> >but it wasn't much fun
> >he's starting to take it all a bit seriously
> >
> >so he should I suppose
> >it's only about two weeks away
> >
> >my missus asked me what he was up to
> >so I told her what was going on
> >
> >talk about weird
> >
> >first she went all soppy about him
> >what a lovely man he was
> >and when is he doing it
> >and what's his lady like
> >and awwwwww
> >
> >like that
> >
> >then she looks at me
> >I can see I'm in for a serve
> >and she outs with
> >when am I going to do it
> >and I go
> >do what
> >she says when am I going to have it done
> >I say
> >have what done
> >
> >she says when am I going to get the snip
> >
> >I say
> >now hang on
> >I was going to put her straight
> >but she just hoed into me
> >what a selfish prick I am
> >only thinking of myself
> >look at what she had to go through
> >why couldn't I be a decent sort like he is
> >
> >I said
> >whoa
> >what do you mean
> >
> >he's getting it reversed
> >
> >he wants to make her pregnant
> >and go back to being just like me
> >
> >you're not making sense
> >love
> >
> >she just looked at me again
> >and went off to the bedroom and shut the door
> >
> >I think she might have had a cry
> >.
> >.
> >.
> >.
> >I ought to snot him one
> >for causing me grief at home
> >
> >~