Hi Sally,
Just to echo what one or two others have said. I like the gist of this, but
think maybe you could lose the bubbles and soap, and the explicit mention of
him being a soldier, as well as trimming one or two fairly redundant word
such as "perfumed". As Bob says, that would maybe open up space to include
other detail, and pursuing his suggestion of echoing the soap opera plot
might provide more drama and tension, between the ringing doorbell and the
entry of the grandson.
But the last two lines work really well, IMO, and I think it's well worth
tweaking a bit.
Regards,
Matt


-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf
Of Sally James
Sent: 12 December 2004 10:28
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: New Sub Home for Christmas


Home for Christmas

She sits in her armchair
settles to watch the soaps
sips tea from a china cup
Snug in her dressing gown
her slippers, half on her feet
she smells of the perfumed bath
she had earlier
Bubbles fizz in her curls
and her widowed eyes water.

There is ring on the doorbell
and a cold draught in the hallway
Her soldier grandson arrives
wearing civvies and a smile
"Have a can nan" he laughs
They slurp together by the fire
let the tea go cold.

The soap dissolve in the air.
and the dogs curl at his feet
She wipes tears from her eyes
sees the unshed ones in his.

sally james
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