Hi Sue, Bob, Sally and Christina,
Thanks for all your kind comments on this one.
With "that morning's you" I was trying to get over that the "you" of the
morning and the "you" of later that day are quite different, although the
same person, if that makes any sense! But it obviously doesn't really work,
so I'll have a rethink there.
I've thought a lot about what Bob and Sally suggested. I've been a bit wary
about using "we" too often, just because sometimes I think it excludes the
reader a bit, but you're probably right that this is a case where it would
have done the job a lot better. But I really like Bob's suggestion of
starting in the past, moving to the present, and then on to the future, so
I'm going to try that tonight.
And you're right Christina. Definitely overegged it in the second and third
stanzas, so there'll have to be some trimming there.
It's just as well I did lose patience with this one and send it in - I
somehow managed to delete my file with it on yesterday, so it's a relief
that I can rescue it from cyberspace.
Thanks again for all your hard work in clearing a mental logjam on this one.
Regards,
Matt
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf
Of Sue Scalf
Sent: 09 December 2004 19:23
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub
I really like this because you created a place and reconstructed a feeling I
could participate in. You need to remove the apostrophe after morning's, a
typo I suppose. Good poem! Sue
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