Hi Matt,

I'm still waiting for your original to arrive - but I'll go along with
Sally's advice here! It might involve you moving to the past tense, but a
version in the present tense could be well worth trying as well. I think
you've got something worth saying, but the 2nd person makes it a tad too
conjectural perhaps.

And... it might be fun to start in the past (we walked...), move to the
present (in the middle stanza), and try and keep to the future tense as the
poem concludes... (I've scribbled possibilities in brackets - but you might
want to work from your previous drafts as well!)

Bob

>From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub
>Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 22:03:54 +0000
>
>Try 'we' instead of 'you'.
>"you" is fashionable in confessinal poems just now, but it doesnt always
>work. This one  desperately wants to be a narrative: we/I went for this
>great hill walk.
>bw
>SallyE
>
>on 9/12/04 5:20 pm, Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury at
>[log in to unmask] wrote:
>
>I've been having severe doubts about this one since about April, but I
>can't
>seem to get any further on with it, so any deconstruction, reconstruction
>or
>just straightforward destruction will be welcome!
>
>
>
>Walking The Horseshoe
>
>For instant nostalgia, try taking the path (For instant nostalgia we took
>the path...)
>around the ridge, the Cat's Back,
>a trailing wind lifting you by your shoulders,
>the sun, suddenly revealed, warming your neck.
>
>But later, leaning on leaden legs into the stinging (And, now, as we
>lean...)
>south-wester, the Beacons' snow-flecked wave
>breaking on your right, gaze left to the spot
>where that morning's you looked forward
>
>to a final stretch with furthest fields all aflame,
>two ravens above, tumbling into the valley (and/where we'll see two
>ravens... ??? - maybe...)
>to lead you home. Always the eager time traveller.
>Already you'll long yourself back there.
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