> Hello Colin,
Thanks for your feedback. Helen made the same sort of point about the style of the language. Let´s see what i can do. I think I´d like to keep `before her penetrating glance´ or at least `penetrating´ so that the reader is clear about exactly whose `sole´ it is that she´s carving up ;-)
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/01/15 to PM 09:22:18 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Re: New sub: Dining out/Mike
>
> Mike,
>
> I got quite a lot out of this and was glad to have read it. The makings of a
> good poem here IMO - in fact more than the makings.
>
> The beginning is strong but the second stanza is the weakest of the poem
> IMO. Far too ornate and too many polysyllabics. Really sort this stanza out
> and it'll be a good one. However the content of 2 is crucial. You need
> something in there about interpretation/translation because the poem hinges
> on it.
>
> Could eliminate the line"before her penetrating glance" altogether and let
> the metaphor around it speak for itself.
>
> And S4 could be condensed: "And needless to say her memories of school were
> flavoured with spices he could not name"
>
>
> Colin
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Mike Horwood" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 12:47 PM
> Subject: New sub: Dining out
>
>
> Dining out
>
> was not an occasion most likely
> to suggest the serving up of home truths.
>
> This, and his innate ineptitude
> when it came to interpretation -
> he had translated the menu´s *coq au vin*
> as `cock in wine´-
> largely explains his lack of perspicacity.
>
> There is no denying he was hooked
> on sloe eyes and the special creaminess
> of a dark-haired woman´s skin,
> yet he never felt a thing
> before her penetrating glance
> as she worked her knife the length of a sole
> and separated flesh from bone.
>
> And it is needless to add
> that the subtle suggestiveness
> of her references to school memories
> was flavoured with spices he could not name.
>
>
>
>
> Mike
>
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