Hi Colin,
As a poem the Rewrite is so much better! (Except for the flowers bit - which
doesn't seem peacocky at all!).
I'm thinking that the ending, tho, is where you're still clinging on, still
not letting the poem loose to make it's own way, strut in the world.
I think the poem's got the tone, the attitude, the strength to stay with a
reader for a long, long, time. "We interview peacocks" is such a grabber of
a line! Without the last stanza dragging me back to the poet I feel I've got
a poem appropriate for any interview, any interview panel member, any person
preparing/grooming themself for an interview, anyone realising it's been a
waste of a time/a crazy time/a bizzarre time/an "I made it!" time, a waste
of time, or whatever!
The poem's (almost) crowing!
Bob


>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Sub
>Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 18:12:53 -0000
>
>Which is better, the original or the rewrite? Please see below.
>
>REWRITE:
>
>On the interview panel
>
>
>We interview peacocks,
>preened for the occasion.
>Each bony grip meets mine.
>
>They are fowl in a shop
>watching with anxious eyes.
>We poke and pry
>
>until their mouths open like flowers
>to show their soft hearts.
>We put our hands down their throats
>
>and squeeze them.
>They are so eager to please.
>How their avarice and anger are denied.
>
>We force them into song,
>listening for weakness,
>as they expose bone.
>
>We press them to the last dregs,
>searching for the sweetness of ambition
>and discard what's left.
>
>We crack and strip them like roasts
>and they are grilled in the heat
>of this narrow, imperial sun.
>
>We do all this and learn nothing
>of who they are,
>or why they have come.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>ORIGINAL:
>
>On the interview panel
>
>
>We do not interview people but peacocks
>preened for the occasion.
>Their cold clammy hands
>
>clutch at mine like claws.
>They are like cats or dogs in a shop
>watching with anxious eyes.
>
>We compare them like grey hounds demonstrating form.
>They are like chimps in a lab
>and what we ask of them is awful.
>
>We prod them with questions to see how they respond.
>We poke and pry
>until their mouths open like flowers
>
>to show their gay hearts.
>We put our hands down their throats and squeeze them.
>They are so eager to please.
>
>How their avarice and anger are denied.
>We press them like oranges to the last drip
>searching for the sweetness of ambition
>
>and expel the pith.
>We force them to declare themselves,
>to state their weaknesses
>
>and they expose shell.
>We crack and peel them like prawns
>and they are grilled in the heat
>
>of this narrow, imperial sun.
>We do all this and learn nothing of who they are,
>or why they have come.
>
>__________________________________
>
>Colin

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