Hi Sally,
I know I'm piggybacking on Mike's comments - but that's more because I seem
to have lost your original, or not recieved your original, than for any
other reason!!!
I've a couple of thoughts, tho, of my own...
I like the rhythm of the piece! Each stanza's very powerfully driven, IMO,
by the precision of its rhythmn. Within that constraint the 2nd stanza is,
as Mike hints, the weakest. Perhaps it's the way each line has an image and
each image doesn't link with the others. It just leaps from snowmelt to the
sea! It might be, therefore, some consideration to what this stanza can do
and should do and is doing might help. (Reworking what this stanza is saying
might also offer hints for the ending...). Ha! - I might even try writing
another stanza and seeing if there's more can be said!
And another thought... "If" the poem was written in the first person do you
think readers would say, "I think that too!"? I'm wondering if any women
might read it and think, "Nah, include me out..." (This isn't a suggestion
that it should be rewritten, it's just a thought!)
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: . A woman's path (Mike)
>Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:07:55 +0000
>
>Hi Mike Thanks for comments. I have change as you suggested, at the moment
>can't think of another ending but will put away and work on it. The water
>to wine bit was over imaginative I suppose. I was thinking in a biblical
>sense and also of the richness of the mountain stream water, Thanks again
>Sally J
>
>>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re: . A woman's path
>>Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 14:51:00 +0200
>>
>> > Hello Sally,
>> There´s a lot that I like in this piece, I think most of
>>the imagery works well and the powerful rhythm suits the subject. A couple
>>of small points you might like to mull over; what about changing `path´ to
>>`stream´ in S2 line 2 since this seems more consistent. I couldn´t see the
>>significance of `wine´ later in S2, nor any reason why the water should
>>change, but that might be me being slow-witted. In S3 line 2 I´d change
>>`where´ to `there´.I felt that the last half of S3 repeated what has gone
>>before and it seemed like a weak ending. Is there some more dramatic way
>>to finish?
>>Hope this is useful.
>>
>>
>>Best wishes, Mike
>>
>>
>>
>> >
>> > A woman's path
>> >
>> > Our path is a stream that rolls like a teardrop
>> > down mountains and gullies
>> > to dry river beds.
>> > We splash over boulders
>> > bone white in the summer
>> > and seep underground in the dead of the night.
>> >
>> > We merge in the valley
>> > with new streams in the springtime
>> > when snows of the winter
>> > change water to wine.
>> > It is there we will marry and laugh in the sunshine
>> > and race with the fishes right down to the sea.
>> >
>> > Too soon we must part and divide in the ocean
>> > and there all our tears become salt for the waves.
>> > Forever and ever this cycle continues
>> > as mist from the sea causes clouds to be formed,
>> > which burst over mountains and roll
>> > with the raindrops like tears from all woman
>> > way down to the sea.
>> >
>> >
>> > Sally James
>> >
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