Hi Ryfkah,
It's fascinating how, in paintings, photographs and snapshots taken by
tourists, and here in this poem, water and woman and then tree and man are
linked!
I feel the last 2 stanzas, tho, feel like jigsaw pieces squeezed in to fit.
Things don't quite work as easily as with what's gone before. I sense it's
the penultimate stanza that's the initial problem: the lines feel like notes
for the stanza more than part of the poem. When I initially read it I
thought, "Where is this tree? Is it close by? Is it miles away?" It might
help to rework this stanza a little. I'm assuming - with a tree and the word
"snakes" you're alluding to Edenish things as well! I guess the bluebird
line and the line about snow "might" therefore be images that could (also)
be changed/altered/got rid of to help the tree feel more at home in the
poem. For me, at least, I can't see over much signifcance in mentioning
them...
Bob
>From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Poem: Intimate
>Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 11:06:54 EST
>
>Intimate
>
>Harvest half moon looms
>The river’s rush moans
>as a woman giving birth
>Needled trees exude perfume
>
>The man reads Wang Lei to her
>the exotic words turn erotic
>He gently caresses fingertips
>kisses her lips like a poem
>
>Coyotes call to one another
>near a lake once pregnant
>now aborted by greed
>The man and woman recall
>
>A buck nibbles at the picnic
>turf hush without tourists
>His harem behind also graze
>A bluebird flies in the azure sky
>
>The Sequoia hovers
>a giant with burnt bark
>inverted triangle topped
>Snow licks the ground
>
>The woman fondles the tree’s
>spongy skin placing her face
>against its ancient life
>A tear of awe snakes
>
>Ryfkah 11/21/04
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