Mike,

I got quite a lot out of this and was glad to have read it. The makings of a
good poem here IMO - in fact more than the makings.

The beginning is strong but the second stanza is the weakest of the poem
IMO. Far too ornate and too many polysyllabics. Really sort this stanza out
and it'll be a good one. However the content of 2 is crucial. You need
something in there about interpretation/translation because the poem hinges
on it.

Could eliminate the line"before her penetrating glance" altogether and let
the metaphor around it speak for itself.

And  S4 could be condensed: "And needless to say her memories of school were
flavoured with spices he could not name"


Colin



----- Original Message -----
From: "Mike Horwood" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 12:47 PM
Subject: New sub: Dining out


Dining out

was not an occasion most likely
to suggest the serving up of home truths.

This, and his innate ineptitude
when it came to interpretation -
he had translated the menu´s *coq au vin*
as `cock in wine´-
largely explains his lack of perspicacity.

There is no denying he was hooked
on sloe eyes and the special creaminess
of a dark-haired woman´s skin,
yet he never felt a thing
before her penetrating glance
as she worked her knife the length of a sole
and separated flesh from bone.

And it is needless to add
that the subtle suggestiveness
of her references to school memories
was flavoured with spices he could not name.




Mike