Sally, I like this a lot, but think it needs a line by line. I have a cold
and am not in the frame of mind to do one, but let me give you an example of
what I see
change water to wine.
It is there we will marry (cut it is and break at marry, consider cutting
will
and laugh in the sunshine (cut and)
and race with the fishes right down to the sea. (cut the and right, consider
a break at fishes
A tighter poem will soar.
Thanks.
Gary
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