Hi Mike Thanks for comments. I have change as you suggested, at the moment
can't think of another ending but will put away and work on it. The water to
wine bit was over imaginative I suppose. I was thinking in a biblical sense
and also of the richness of the mountain stream water, Thanks again Sally J
>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: . A woman's path
>Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 14:51:00 +0200
>
> > Hello Sally,
> There´s a lot that I like in this piece, I think most of the
>imagery works well and the powerful rhythm suits the subject. A couple of
>small points you might like to mull over; what about changing `path´ to
>`stream´ in S2 line 2 since this seems more consistent. I couldn´t see the
>significance of `wine´ later in S2, nor any reason why the water should
>change, but that might be me being slow-witted. In S3 line 2 I´d change
>`where´ to `there´.I felt that the last half of S3 repeated what has gone
>before and it seemed like a weak ending. Is there some more dramatic way to
>finish?
>Hope this is useful.
>
>
>Best wishes, Mike
>
>
>
> >
> > A woman's path
> >
> > Our path is a stream that rolls like a teardrop
> > down mountains and gullies
> > to dry river beds.
> > We splash over boulders
> > bone white in the summer
> > and seep underground in the dead of the night.
> >
> > We merge in the valley
> > with new streams in the springtime
> > when snows of the winter
> > change water to wine.
> > It is there we will marry and laugh in the sunshine
> > and race with the fishes right down to the sea.
> >
> > Too soon we must part and divide in the ocean
> > and there all our tears become salt for the waves.
> > Forever and ever this cycle continues
> > as mist from the sea causes clouds to be formed,
> > which burst over mountains and roll
> > with the raindrops like tears from all woman
> > way down to the sea.
> >
> >
> > Sally James
> >
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