> Hello Sally,
There´s a lot that I like in this piece, I think most of the imagery works well and the powerful rhythm suits the subject. A couple of small points you might like to mull over; what about changing `path´ to `stream´ in S2 line 2 since this seems more consistent. I couldn´t see the significance of `wine´ later in S2, nor any reason why the water should change, but that might be me being slow-witted. In S3 line 2 I´d change `where´ to `there´.I felt that the last half of S3 repeated what has gone before and it seemed like a weak ending. Is there some more dramatic way to finish?
Hope this is useful.
Best wishes, Mike
>
> A woman's path
>
> Our path is a stream that rolls like a teardrop
> down mountains and gullies
> to dry river beds.
> We splash over boulders
> bone white in the summer
> and seep underground in the dead of the night.
>
> We merge in the valley
> with new paths in the springtime
> when snows of the winter
> change water to wine.
> It is there we will marry and laugh in the sunshine
> and race with the fishes right down to the sea.
>
> Too soon we must part and divide in the ocean
> and where all our tears become salt for the waves.
> Forever and ever this cycle continues
> as mist from the sea causes clouds to be formed,
> which burst over mountains and roll
> with the raindrops like tears from all woman
> way down to the sea.
>
>
> Sally James
>
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