Hi Mike,
Thanks for your kind response, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've taken both
your points on board. I'll put a comma at the end of line 4, and will be
having a look at whether more is needed. As I said to Ryfkah, I'm going to
try reshaping it a few different ways, so that may help too.
Now you mention it, "blinks bulbs on and off" could be a lot better too. I
think there must be a more concise and more vivid way of saying it, so I'll
give it some thought.
Thanks again for your help,
Regards,
Matt
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf
Of Mike Horwood
Sent: 30 October 2004 07:42
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: Eye Test
> Hello Matt,
I like this a lot, itīs a good subject and I like the way you
present the patientīs point of view of his/her relationship with the
optician, eg `answers you think she wants to hearī, but of course, the
patient and the reader are completely in the dark as to what the optician is
really thinking. I like the way you bring the poem to closure outside, after
the eye test, too. Thereīs that sense we often have after tests of some
faculty or skill where we feel clumsy or awkward because we are unusually
conscious of doing something that is usually automatic. I think you
definitely need some more punctuation in the opening few lines. If Iīve read
the sense right, I would suggest a comma at the end of line 4. Also, I felt
the phrase `blinks bulbs on and offī read a little awkwardly, but I canīt
suggest an alternative and perhaps Iīm just being over-pedantic. I hope this
is useful.
Best wishes, Mike
>
> Eye Test
>
> After the wall charts, the pirate patch,
> a finger of cold air jabbed into each retina,
> and answers you think she wants to hear
> every time she tries a different lens
> it's the only bit you enjoy -
> darkness,
> then face to face with the machine
> that blinks bulbs on and off
> in patterns that must mean something.
> You're doing well, you tell yourself,
> when you see each constellation
> flash and fade somewhere deep inside.
> Afterwards on the street, gaze fixed dead ahead
> or firmly on your feet, you will wait and wait
> to catch worlds spinning at the edge of sight.
> DISCLAIMER
> Any opinions expressed in this email are those of the individual and
> not necessarily those of Northcliffe Newspapers, Leicester Mercury
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> e-mail and any other files transmitted with it are confidential and
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>
>
DISCLAIMER
Any opinions expressed in this email are those of the individual and not
necessarily those of Northcliffe Newspapers, Leicester Mercury Group,
Northcliffe Retail or Northcliffe Accounting Center. This e-mail and any
other files transmitted with it are confidential and solely for the use of
the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient or the person
responsible for delivering to the intended recipient, be advised that you
have received this e-mail in error and any use is strictly prohibited. If
you have received this e-mail in error, advise the sender immediately by
using the reply facility in your e-mail software. This message should not be
seen as forming a legally binding contract unless otherwise stated.
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