Shalom James,
In a message dated 11/06/2004 3:49:21 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Glad people are enjoying the new estuary series. This is another.>>
AT THIS MOMENT [I like the way the title is repeated below]
The usual crowd
speckle the river with their presence: [do you need with their presence?]
a small flock of Canada geese, [like the details of specific birds here]
the lone egret [#] who lopes at the water's edge,
no cormorants, though human fishers stand [like human fishers]
with rods and lines on the bankside - [do you need this line?]
gulls and wind make the only noise [whine, instead of make the only noise?]
while a girl walks by wearing angel wings
not near enough for you to see if they
are real or only attached. [do you need to tell the reader this?]
When she stops and looks at the crowd
minding its own business [do you need this line?]
you feel good that there is some kind of angel
watching over you at this moment. [I would like the birds to come into play
again. Such as: The Canadian geese fly.]
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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