> Hello Matt,
I like this a lot, itīs a good subject and I like the way you present the patientīs point of view of his/her relationship with the optician, eg `answers you think she wants to hearī, but of course, the patient and the reader are completely in the dark as to what the optician is really thinking. I like the way you bring the poem to closure outside, after the eye test, too. Thereīs that sense we often have after tests of some faculty or skill where we feel clumsy or awkward because we are unusually conscious of doing something that is usually automatic. I think you definitely need some more punctuation in the opening few lines. If Iīve read the sense right, I would suggest a comma at the end of line 4. Also, I felt the phrase `blinks bulbs on and offī read a little awkwardly, but I canīt suggest an alternative and perhaps Iīm just being over-pedantic. I hope this is useful.
Best wishes, Mike
>
> Eye Test
>
> After the wall charts, the pirate patch,
> a finger of cold air jabbed into each retina,
> and answers you think she wants to hear
> every time she tries a different lens
> it's the only bit you enjoy -
> darkness,
> then face to face with the machine
> that blinks bulbs on and off
> in patterns that must mean something.
> You're doing well, you tell yourself,
> when you see each constellation
> flash and fade somewhere deep inside.
> Afterwards on the street, gaze fixed dead ahead
> or firmly on your feet, you will wait and wait
> to catch worlds spinning at the edge of sight.
> DISCLAIMER
> Any opinions expressed in this email are those of the individual and not
> necessarily those of Northcliffe Newspapers, Leicester Mercury Group,
> Northcliffe Retail or Northcliffe Accounting Center. This e-mail and any
> other files transmitted with it are confidential and solely for the use of
> the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient or the person
> responsible for delivering to the intended recipient, be advised that you
> have received this e-mail in error and any use is strictly prohibited. If
> you have received this e-mail in error, advise the sender immediately by
> using the reply facility in your e-mail software. This message should not be
> seen as forming a legally binding contract unless otherwise stated.
>
>
|
