> Hello Catherine,
I think this is very effective as far as it goes. Somehow, though, I feel as if I want the experience to be developed a little, want the poem to take me further. It feels a bit unfinished, although having said that you bring it to closure well so perhaps the middle could be developed. This is just an idea and I may well be wrong. Someone else might argue that the poem would lose focus if it heads off into some further area. So I´m afraid this might not be very helpful, but it might suggest something to you.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: catherine JF <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2004/10/11 ma PM 12:17:22 GMT+03:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: new sub: Delirium
>
> Pyjamas damp,
>
> stars on the periphery,
>
> teddy's paws rasp
>
> on prickly cheeks.
>
> The doll's house is full of ghosts.
>
>
>
> Walls expand -
>
> she's a strand of spun glass.
>
>
>
> Pins finger dance
>
> 1 2 3 4 5
>
> 6 7 8 9 10
>
> over and over
>
> and over and over
>
> and over and over
>
> again.
>
>
>
> Walls shrink -
>
> she's bloated, elephantine.
>
>
>
> Bodiless voices
>
> swoop through half-light
>
> and pop like ominous bubbles.
>
> Six-seven-eight-nine-ten,
>
> night without end.
>
> Amen.
>
>
|